Punch Lines

Starr Treatment: Oscar nominations were announced this week. “Well, actually, they weren’t ‘announced.’ They were leaked to the press by Kenneth Starr.” (Conan O’Brien)

Oscar II: The movie “Titanic” received 14 nominations. “That’s 15 more than ‘The Postman.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

Gold, Frankincense and Mir: The QVC shopping network had cosmonauts selling items from the Russian space station Mir. Among other things, you could buy spacesuits and pens. “The catch is, you have to go up there and get the stuff.” (Mark Wheeler)

Brentwood Buddies: O.J. Simpson drove by Monica Lewinsky’s house the other day and talked to the press. “Monica, stay away from O.J. If you think Linda Tripp stabbed you in the back. . . .” (Jay Leno)

As Bad as It Gets: “The actor who portrayed Dennis Rodman in a recent TV movie hopes to be nominated for an Emmy, either as best actor or best actress.” (Paul Ecker)

She Sells Sequels by the Seashore: “On the heels of ‘Titanic’s’ success, director James Cameron’s next film will be a $200-million love story about Chappaquiddick.” (Craig Kilborn)

Water, Water Everywhere: Tap water is being linked to miscarriages. “Isn’t it ironic? Now Mexican visitors are being warned not to drink U.S. water.” (Ecker)

Clinton Time: “With Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally see why they celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales.” (Leno)

More Scandals: South Africa’s president, Nelson Mandela, is in love with a woman 27 years younger. “They wanted to take a Valentine’s Day trip to a romantic hideaway, but the Oval Office was booked.” (Alan Ray)

More Oscars: “The nomination for best achievement in sound recording went to Linda Tripp.” (Leno)

Coma Cure: German race-car driver Michael Schumacher’s voice is credited with bringing an Italian fan out of a coma. “He leaned down and whispered in the guy’s ear, ‘Monica’s in town.’ ” (Bill Williams)

Monicagate: Monica Lewinsky’s attorney says he has no intention of letting her “fall on her sword” in grand jury testimony. “Ixnay on the sword metaphors, please.” (Slate online)

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