‘Expert’ Blisters the 49ers

Knowing the end to “Titanic” does not spoil the movie, so although the San Francisco 49ers have no chance of beating the Green Bay Packers--none, zero; they sink to the bottom long before Leonardo DiCaprio--in the NFC championship game, the thrashing will still be worth watching.

Facts are facts, and in some cases to make a better argument here, opinions become facts, and that’s just understood. For example, here’s a fact: The 49ers are the worst team remaining in the playoffs.

Now you, being just a regular, everyday football fan with no clue--which makes you no different from Al Davis--might ask, “How can anybody know who is going to win the title game before it’s even played?”

It’s a dumb question, of course. Why do people go to a doctor? Consult a plumber? See an auto mechanic?

As some of you who can’t spell or insist upon name-calling already know, it’s not necessary to address your mail to Mr. Football Expert at the Los Angeles Times. I get all the questions, and have all the answers:

Question: Do the 49ers have anything going for them against the Packers?

Mr. Football Expert: Of course they do. The Packers will not be coached by Charlie Weatherbie.

Q: Charlie Weatherbie?

MFE: You know, town hero overnight, the Navy commander who sank Cal, coached by Steve Mariucci, now the 49ers’ wunderkind, in the 1996 Aloha Bowl.

Q: Are we ever going to hear an end to this tiresome business about the 49ers hiring a guy who couldn’t beat Navy?

MFE: No. It’s like Charlie said this week when I called him, “Everybody came up to me after that game and said, ‘Hey, you should have lost--then maybe you’d be the coach of the 49ers.’ ”

Q: He was joking, wasn’t he?

MFE: No. Charlie had NFL head-coaching aspirations like the wunderkind, and asked that his telephone number be passed on to Davis. “You want somebody who can beat Mariucci, give me a call.”

Q: Didn’t the 49ers see something special in Mariucci?

MFE: Mariucci lost six of the last seven games he coached in college--the 49ers must have seen something real special in that win--thereby propelling himself into one of the most coveted jobs in the NFL.

Q: Are you being cynical?

MFE: Last year at this time, Mariucci had a 6-6 record as a head coach, while San Francisco Coach George Seifert had an NFL mark of 108-35.

Q: But wasn’t Mariucci a hot prospect?

MFE: He was Italian, providing all the qualifications the DeBartolo family needed. In fact, Mariucci’s father said at the time, “If he doesn’t win, I hope he doesn’t find a horse’s head in his bed.”

But to be fair, I talked to Bobb McKittrick, 49er offensive line coach about that:

“I got the call from George Seifert that he was retiring and I asked who was going to be the new coach. He told me Steve Mariucci. Steve Mariucci--I had no idea who he was.”

Q: He never heard of him?

MFE: Well, his wife had heard of him and predicted he would one day be coach of the 49ers because he was Italian and good looking. But McKittrick paid no attention. In fact when Mariucci took over the 49ers, he reminded McKittrick that he had shaken hands with him a year earlier in a chance meeting at the 49ers’ training camp.

“I took his word for it,” said McKittrick, still unimpressed. “You could have put 10 guys at a table, and he would have been the last one I picked as the guy they chose.”

Shoot, he probably would have picked Charlie Weatherbie first.

Q: Don’t you have to give Mariucci some credit now for going 14-3?

MFE: You must be new to this space. No, but McKittrick can.

“He’s been magnificent,” said McKittrick, who was coaching at UCLA when Mariucci celebrated his 10th birthday. “He just bubbles with enthusiasm and he gives you a high. He’s grown into the job and everybody believes in him now.

“Everybody wanted to believe in him when he started, but I don’t think everyone was sure about him. Now they are sure, and he’s probably more sure of himself.”

Q: Come on, that job he did in keeping the 49ers afloat after losing to Tampa Bay in the opener was something, wasn’t it?

MFE: That was tough, all right. The next seven games were against St. Louis, New Orleans, Atlanta, Carolina, St. Louis, Atlanta and New Orleans. Navy could have beaten every one of them, although admittedly McKittrick was pretty impressed with Mariucci.

“We lose the first game in Tampa, lose Jerry Rice for the season, don’t know how long Steve Young is going to be out [with a concussion] and fly 3,000 miles back across the country. The next day he’s in the office all happy and enthusiastic talking about what we’re going to do next.

“I don’t know what would have happened if we would have had eight weeks of that, and playing without Young, but if it’s leadership you’re looking for, this guy’s got it.”

Q: There were 11 coaching changes in the NFL last year, and you have to admit now, Mariucci looks like the winner.

MFE: No. I agree with McKittrick: “Now, I don’t want this to be misconstrued, but as long as we didn’t get a bad coach, we were going to do well. We’d have a good team no matter who they brought in, as long as the guy they brought in was bright and didn’t make wholesale changes.”

Q: This McKittrick guy, is he related to you?

MFE: No. He coached under Tommy Prothro with the Rams, joined Bill Walsh and the 49ers in 1979 and has remained there ever since, through the transition to Seifert and now Mariucci. He’s seen it all, making him almost as smart as Mr. Football Expert.

“People talk about the West Coast offense, which they now have in Denver, Green Bay and Kansas City, but it’s more the West Coast system of organization,” said McKittrick. “It’s more important than the plays they run; each of them coach the same basic offense, and all have the same way of organizing the operation, the way they practice, meet, the attention to detail. It’s all part of the Bill Walsh system.”

Q: So McKittrick likes Mariucci?

MFE: Loves the guy. Thinks he will be a star. Says he makes good decisions and has been a good listener. But remember, McKittrick’s talking about his boss, and with a gun to my head--well, to be honest, it would probably have to be a cannon--I’d say the same thing about mine.

Q: Removing Mariucci from the picture for a moment, why can’t Young, Hearst, Stokes, Owens and the No. 1 defense in the NFL defeat the Packers?

MFE: Apparently you have not been watching the Frisco Frauds with a keen eye:

1. Young’s a step slower, and although he played tentatively for much of the season to protect himself from another concussion, he’s starting to play recklessly again. And no longer able to outrun everyone on defense anymore, he’s likely to get popped again.

2. Garrison Hearst is coming off a broken collarbone and more than a month of inactivity and now must run through an enormous Gilbert Brown--forget it.

3. J.J. Stokes and Terrell Owens account for the only pass-receiving tandem in the league that didn’t have at least one 100-yard receiving game during the regular season. For all those years when Rice was around, everyone in the world knew the 49ers were going to throw to him and he’d still get his 100 yards.

4. The 49er defense gave up 44 points to the Kansas City Chiefs, who have no offense.

Q: Are you saying the 49ers have no chance?

MFE: It’s 21-0, 21-3 at best by halftime, and in the Green Bay locker room Coach Mike Holmgren will have to talk Brett Favre out of running onto the field for the second half with one of those cheese blocks on his head.

Q: What if you’re wrong?

MFE: I can only be misinterpreted. Really, the only issues in this game will be whether Dorsey Levens runs for 100 yards or 150. Whether Robert Brooks catches more of Favre’s touchdown passes than Antonio Freeman and Mark Chmura. Whether Young or Jim Druckenmiller finishes the game as the 49ers’ quarterback.

Q: You’re really just a Packer fan, right?

MFE: Just about my favorite obnoxious team.

Q: So what do you say about Indianapolis beating Green Bay earlier this season?

MFE: AFC domination, baby. That’s why my favorite favorite team, the Denver Broncos, will whip on Green Bay in the Super Bowl.