Punch Lines

Frappuccino Frenzy: Two Starbucks in Seattle will soon offer liquor in their stores. “What’s next? A Starbucks on every block?” (Andrew Wisot)

Oscar Part I: The U.S. Naval Academy was awash in controversy after revelations that a star football player who violated campus sex rules was allowed to graduate while others, including his lover, faced expulsion. “At graduation, the football star remarked, ‘I’d like to thank the academy.’ ” (Johnny Robish)

Oscar Part II: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences says next year’s Oscar ceremonies will be held on a Sunday for the first time. “Although the award show will start Sunday, the speeches will end on Tuesday.” (Mark Wheeler)

Deep Star Impact: A newly discovered giant gas planet is believed to be 15 light years away from Earth. “But scientists think it’s really just an image of Kenneth Starr.” (Wisot)

Book ‘Em: Unabomber Ted Kaczynski is shopping for a book deal. “The publishers at Simon & Schuster flipped a coin to see who would open his handwritten, four-page letter.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Audible Audits: The House of Representatives approved a massive overhaul of the IRS by a vote of 402-8. “When informed that he will be audited, House Speaker Newt Gingrich said, ‘Did I say overhaul? No, I meant overall, that’s it--overall, the IRS is doing great.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

If They Won’t Sit, You Must Acquit: Johnnie Cochran is defending a couple of barking Rottweilers who belong to basketball star Ray Allen’s mother. “He’s claiming the barks were planted by LAPD K9 units.” (Bill Williams)

Intellectual Talk: Jerry Springer’s ratings are down 6% since his “fight free” shows started airing. “Of course, his ratings have jumped 60% since his ‘brain free’ shows started airing.” (Premiere Radio)

Twisted and Shout: In Nebraska, as a tourist attraction they’re building a 610-foot, $35-million fake tornado out of stainless steel. “The tornado idea narrowly beat out their second choice, which was to simply go ahead and throw the money down a rat hole.” (Jerry Perisho)

Computer Banking: Windows 98 has finally arrived in stores. “It has some nifty new features. For example, the program can send your money directly into Bill Gates’ bank account.” (Premiere Radio)

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