Answers Telemarketers Really Don’t Want to Hear

RIDGEFIELD, Conn. —  What to tell the telemarketer when the baby’s bawling, the casserole’s bubbling over and the ice cubes are melting in the extra-dry martini?

Sitting around Pat’s snack bar waiting for the rain to let up, a seminar of senior women and men golfers at the Ridgefield public course addressed this question recently over coffee and corn muffins.

Based on a self-survey during the rain delay, most people agreed that most of the phone hucksters pitched most of their pitches most of the time at most of the people at dinner time.

The consensus was that the fastest way to duck the pitch was to make the punishment fit the pitch, or at least give fits to the pitch-person.

So the aggrieved group came up with some suggested answers to typical telephonic pitches, as outlined below in a P and A--pitch-and-answer--format:

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P: Our roofing specialists and vinyl-siding experts will be in your neighborhood all next week. By pre-positioning supplies, we are able to offer a 40% discount on all immediate orders, including steam-washing your home.

A: Down here at the trailer park we don’t have much call for that sort of thing.

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P: May we offer you, based on our consumer research, a super platinum credit card with a $10,000 credit line at no advance fee for the next six months?

A: You sure can. The bank just shut off my credit and won’t accept any more of my checks.

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P: For one month only, we’ll ship you a dozen mouthwatering, prime Kansas City porterhouse steaks at an introductory price of $79, plus tax and handling.

A: We’re kind of sick of beef around here. I’m looking out the window now at our 150 head of corn-fed Herefords grazing under them cottonwood trees.

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P: You’ve been selected to receive free, on a four-month trial basis, our state-of-the-art, electronic, burglar-proof home security system, recommended by police departments around the country.

A: Hey, ain’t this weird? I’m here robbing this house right now. I only picked up the phone to keep the neighbors from hearing it ring.

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P: The Silicon Valley’s most advanced digital programmable hearing aid, no bigger than a tiny diamond in your earlobe, filters out loud noises but enables you to hear neighbors whispering across the street. A sure cure for hearing loss can be yours if you schedule an appointment now for a free test and evaluation.

A: What’s that you say? Speak up.

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P: If you act now, thanks to a manufacturer’s close-out and overcrowding at our warehouse, we can ship you, at virtually wholesale price, a brand-name 27-inch color TV with stereo sound system, parental control, an on-screen sleep alarm and a three-jack audio-video monitor panel.

A: Great. How soon can you get it here? The finance company just repossessed our old black-and-white set, along with the washing machine and dryer.

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P: Even if you are over 65 years old, we can write you up to $100,000 in life insurance coverage at the amazingly low monthly premium of . . .

A: I don’t know how you got my name. The grand jury promised me total privacy under the federal witness protection program.

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P: This is Diggdeep, Grabbit and Fleecesome, among Wall Street’s most respected security analysts. Please hold for an important chat about your financial future with our senior counselor, Howie Fleecesome.

A: Can you call back a little later, Mr. Fleecesome? The police photographer’s still here, and the coroner ain’t yet given the OK to cut the body down.