LAUGH LINES

Presidential Perils: A federal judge says Bill Clinton must pay more than $90,000 in damages and legal fees for lying to Paula Jones and her lawyers about Monica Lewinsky. “If Paula gets $90,000, how much should Hillary get?” (Daily Scoop)

Silly Science: The Lunar Prospector spacecraft crashed into the moon. “It turned out to be a pretty close call. It almost hit two Starbucks.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Signs you’re watching a cheap horror movie:

10. To save electricity, the killer makes chain-saw noises with his mouth.

9. Mangled corpse in background keeps sneezing.

7. On side of monster you can read the word “Hasbro.”

6. To save money on fake blood and dummies, they actually killed people.

5. “Monster” looks suspiciously like cardboard cutout of Elvira holding beer.

4. It’s just a redubbed Dutch government bicycle safety film.

3. Same actor played all 27 parts, directed the film and sold you the popcorn.

2. Scenes of the witch are just file footage from Hillary’s listening tour.

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