LAUGH LINES

Disappearing Act: Five former domestic employees are suing Sylvester Stallone for $1.5 million, claiming they were unjustly fired. While working for the actor, they were instructed to “back out and vanish immediately” whenever Stallone appeared in a room. “In other words, they were supposed to act like audiences at Stallone’s last 10 films.” (Jerry Perisho)

Role Playing: “Monica Lewinsky said that if they make a TV movie about the scandal, she’d like Neve Campbell to play her. And for Linda Tripp, I think she wants Ed Asner. President Clinton said if they get Neve Campbell to play Monica, he’ll play himself.” (Jay Leno)

The Tough Get Going: “Mercedes-Benz unveiled the ML 55, an SUV that can reach 155 mph. This is for the discerning driver who needs to speed along that treacherous country club gravel path in order to make his tee time.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Demanding Role: Jean-Claude Van Damme pleaded not guilty to drunk-driving charges. “In addition, the judge denied Van Damme’s request to act as his own counsel because, well, Van Damme can’t act as anything.” (Kaseberg)

What Price Glory?: “ ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’ led ABC-TV to its first rating sweeps win since 1994. Still, it only drew 30% of the viewers. Most Americans want to be a millionaire, but not badly enough to have to talk to Regis Philbin.” (Argus Hamilton)

Cheers: San Francisco’s St. Francis Hotel is under pressure from churches not to erect a huge millennium martini on its roof. “Upon receiving the news, Sen. Ted Kennedy graciously offered his house as an alternative location.” (Aaron Alberts)

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