LAUGH LINES

Trying Times: A survey says two-thirds of Americans don’t think live witnesses are necessary in the presidential impeachment trial. “Meanwhile, the other one-third said that after watching the trial, they don’t think the Senate is necessary.” (Conan O’Brien)

Say What: Several senators have said they want the final vote in the impeachment trial to be held on Lincoln’s birthday. “Afterward, a very confused Strom Thurmond said he won’t be able to attend because he’s going to Lincoln’s birthday party.” (O’Brien)

On the Campaign Trail: House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt says he won’t run for president. “Al Gore is breathing easier--assuming he breathes at all.” (Daily Scoop)

Setting a Record: The Salt Lake City and Sydney Olympic committees are accused of giving improper gifts to International Olympic Committee members. “Yet in the Olympic spirit, the best bribes always won.” (Argus Hamilton)

How Novel: The U.S. Postal Service ended the fiscal year with a surplus of more than $500 million. “The postmaster general says he’ll do something new and creative with that money: open a second window at lunchtime.” (Jerry Perisho)

The Picture of Automotive Greatness: A French car maker has named a minivan after Pablo Picasso. “It has headlights on its rear bumper, a sunroof on the floor and all four doors on the passenger side.” (David Waghalter)

Such a Shame: Ralph Lauren is cutting about 250 jobs in an effort to cut expenses and boost profits. “There’s now an unprecedented number of people on unemployment named Muffy and Tad.” (Mark Wheeler)

Meal Time: A survey shows the majority of American women between 25 and 39 make almost every evening meal at home from scratch. “A majority of men made dinner from scratch too. What did they make? A phone call.” (Wheeler)

Play It Safe: Scientists have concluded that the AIDS virus originated in chimps. “So please, if you’re sleeping with primates, wear a condom.” (Daily Scoop)

Looking Good: It was 112 years ago this month that 120 acres of land we now call Hollywood were first subdivided. “Of course, with all the plastic surgery, it doesn’t look a day over 75.” (Steve Voldseth)

*

The Essential

David Letterman

Top singers of great stature--or presidential skin conditions:

10. Shania.

9. Mariah.

8. Rosacea.

7. Erykah.

6. Eczema.

5. Celine.

4. Gangrene.

3. Blotchy Periodic Discolorations.

2. Cher.

1. Sheryl Crow / Crow’s Feet (tie).

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