Itinerary: Sweethearts and Love Songs

History is a little vague on the origins of this whole Valentine’s Day thing. The most widely observed unofficial holiday, it takes its name from two martyred saints--one a priest, the other a bishop--beheaded in Rome during the reign of Claudius II in the 3rd century.

But what does that have to do with romance? Flowers? Third-graders stuffing little cards into homemade boxes?

Christian legend holds that the first St. Valentine, the priest, was beheaded because he would marry couples in secret, against the wishes of Claudius. The emperor apparently thought more single men would yield a larger army for Rome.

Not so coincidentally, however, Feb. 15 happened to also be Lupercalia, the ancient Roman festival of fertility. It was outlawed in 496 by Pope Gelasius and eventually replaced--though how much later is unclear--with the more wholesome St. Valentine’s Day.

Friday

If St. Valentine’s Day had a theme song, there’s little doubt that Burt Bacharach would be the guy who wrote it. Among his hits: “What the World Needs Now Is Love,” “It’s Love That Really Counts (In the Long Run),” “The Look of Love” and “Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart.”

Friday at 8 p.m., Bacharach joins the Pacific Symphony Orchestra for two concerts at the Orange County Performing Arts Center (600 Town Center Drive, Costa Mesa. $22-$77. [714] 556-ARTS. Also Saturday, 8 p.m.). Get in the mood for a long romantic weekend with the guy who has been making people swoon with his music for almost 40 years.

Saturday

The 2-year-old women’s chorus Vox Femina Los Angeles is celebrating Valentine’s Day with a cabaret concert, “Love in the Afternoon” at 2 and 5 p.m. (Metropolitan Community Church, 8714 Santa Monica Blvd., West Hollywood. $15. [310] 559-1017). The 34-member group will pay tribute to love songs, including Patsy Cline’s hit “Crazy” and Nat King Cole’s “When I Fall in Love.”

Have a romantic dinner at one of the many restaurants nearby in West Hollywood. Cafe La Boheme (8400 Santa Monica Blvd., [323] 848-2360) has particularly romantic decor, in a sort of gothic way. If it’s chilly, a seat by the fireplace can be sublime.

Then, off to the prom.

Crepe paper, balloons, coronation of a king and queen, prize drawings, a photo booth. . . . The Gay Men’s Chorus is going all out Saturday for its party, “Be My Valentino . . . at the Prom We Never Had,” 8 p.m. at the West Hollywood Park Auditorium (647 N. San Vicente Blvd. $35; $60 per couple. [800] MEN-SING). Actually, this party will have things never seen at any high school prom--including a cash bar.

Sunday

Hold hands along the boardwalk during a Sweethearts Two-Hour Walking Tour led by Venice Historic Tours. Departing at 8:50 a.m. from Ocean Front Walk at Rose Avenue, the tour will include important sites from Venice’s 93-year history, with a special emphasis on the tales of romantic drama. ($15. Reservations requested: [310] 676-0020.)

And then, when you’ve had enough of this lovey-dovey nonsense, head to the Laugh Factory (8001 Sunset Blvd., West Hollywood. [323] 656-1336). Sunday at 8 and 10 p.m. their comics will offer an anti-lovefest with tales of single life, breakups and relationship woes.

The Laugh Factory is also offering a contest for the funniest breakup story. Entries must be 100 words or less and must be faxed, (323) 848-2810, or e-mailed (laughfact@aol.com) to the club. Winners--who must be present to claim their prize--may get certificates for dinner at Micelli’s, membership at Fitness L.A. or a Catalina Cruise.