Monica’s New Dress for Success

BERNARDSVILLE, N.J. —  Quite frankly, I was a bit let down by the basic black and pearls that Monica S. Lewinsky wore at her deposition. It was politically correct--but boring.

Everybody knows Lewinsky was the real star of the Starr report, and stars should shine. High fashion is more interesting than high crimes, anyway.

It’s too bad Linda R. Tripp isn’t still advising Lewinsky on what to wear. But then again, Tripp’s advice didn’t really turn out so well. Monica definitely needs help. That old blue dress wouldn’t put her on anybody’s best dressed list.

I used to have a blue dress just like it, but the closest I ever got to a president while wearing it was to Barbara Hemmendinger. She was president of the Burnet Hill School PTA in Livingston, N.J.

What follows are my suggestions on outfits Lewinsky could have worn that would have made the impeachment hearings more colorful:

* White sari with stripes.

Who found fault with Mother Teresa? Well, Christopher Hitchens can, but that’s another story.

* Tight dress, high hair and high heels.

Dress like Ivana, talk like Ivana. The senators would have gotten a headache and gone home. The impeachment could have been over in an hour.

* White, pleated, halter dress. Best worn standing over subway grating.

“Monica, who?”--Rep. Henry J. Hyde.

* Sixties mishmash and bare belly button.

It kept Cher going.

* Hat, pocketbook and orthopedic shoes.

Nobody would believe Eleanor Roosevelt had a thong on under all that gray.

You don’t judge a book by its cover, but we do judge each other by what we wear. I understand Lewinsky is coming out with a book. I hope the cover won’t be that photo of her wearing that beret, hugging that president. We’ve all seen that too many times.

But I’m not one to give advice about what she should wear on the cover. I’m not even going to buy the book. I’m going to wait for the movie.