LAUGH LINES

That Peaceful Easy Feeling: President Clinton has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. “He’s being recognized for maintaining that fragile peace between his wife and his girlfriends.” (David Letterman)

That Peaceful Feeling II: “Apparently the president was singled out for his efforts to end violence in the Middle East and for his attempts to get Hillary to stop hitting him.” (Conan O’Brien)

Back in Action: The Army is creating rapid strike forces. “They will be able to hit anywhere in the world less than one hour after a presidential scandal breaks.” (Daily Scoop)

Back on the Campaign Trail: The Democrats switched their convention site from Boston to Los Angeles. “Ted Kennedy’s offer to be the designated driver scared them off.” (Wayne E. Scott)

Mark Your Calendar: This is National Potato Month. “Or as Dan Quayle spells it, Februarye.” (Chris Pina)

Get Out the Vote: The president of Syria was reelected with 99.98% of the vote. “That’s pretty good for a guy who wasn’t even involved in a sex scandal.” (Joe Kevany)

Do the Math: The Justice Department is reportedly considering breaking up Microsoft into several pieces. “This will now make Bill Gates the five richest guys in the world.” (Jay Leno)

Anticipation: Heinz announced it is laying off up to 4,000 workers. “But the layoffs will come reaallly slowly.” (Daily Scoop)

In the News: “The big story continues to be that bizarre creature with the purple jumpsuit, carries the purse, the triangle on his head. Some say he’s gay. Some say he’s straight. You know who I’m talking about: Dennis Rodman, playing for the Lakers.” (Leno)

Changing Channels: Jerry Falwell claims the purple Teletubby is a gay role model. “This just in: Falwell’s next outing Snuggles, the fabric softener teddy bear.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Gourmet Grumbles: Apparently because of global warming, sharks have begun to appear for the first time on the beaches of England. “That’s when you know sharks are desperate, when they go to England looking for food.” (Leno)

In Passing: The man who helped found MCI has died. “Memorial services are set for tomorrow at 10 minutes into dinner time.” (Steve Voldseth)

*

The Essential

David Letterman

Top awards won by me, David Letterman:

10. First place, 1947 Indianapolis Ugly Baby Competition.

9. Conscientious Rewinder Award, Blockbuster Video.

8. 1993 “So Long, Sucker” Medal from NBC.

7. Miss Teen Indiana, 1968.

5. Member, Hellman’s Mayonnaise “1,000 Gallon Club.”

3. 1968 Heisman Trophy Award buyer.

2. Connecticut State Police “Biggest Crybaby” Award.

1. Luckiest man in show business--1980-1998.

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