LAUGH LINES

The Race Is On: The FBI has joined the investigation into whether Olympic officials were bribed to pick Salt Lake City. “The FBI investigating an Olympic crime? Gosh, we know how good they are at that!” (Premiere Radio)

Round 2: “In fact, the FBI has named Richard Jewell a suspect--out of habit.” (Premiere Radio)

The Strain Is Showing: Hillary Clinton apparently re-injured a back muscle. “She needs to be more careful. You should always warm up by throwing lamps before you start to throw chairs and coffee tables.” (Argus Hamilton)

Call It a Day: Ross Perot went on TV to demand Bill Clinton’s resignation for violating his oath of marriage. “He makes the holiday complete. It’s never officially Christmas until there’s a fruitcake in the living room.” (Hamilton)

That Warm Toxic Glow: Pending more research, the U.S. Department of Energy says that the Nevada desert is a promising site for the nation’s first permanent nuclear waste dump. “I think most people’s first choice would be Washington, D.C.” (Johnny Robish)

It Stands to Reason: For the first time in 30 years, Cubans were allowed to celebrate Christmas, but Santa was still banned. “It seems Castro is a little leery about a guy who likes the color red, has a beard and smokes.” (Rico Topaio)

In the Parallel Universe: “Saddam Hussein says the Iraqis have been victorious. He also mentioned that he’d like to meet 17-time Emmy winner Susan Lucci.” (Zack Taylor)

Consider the Alternative: The father of the world’s only octuplets is accused of assaulting the babies’ mother and grandmother. He could face a year in jail. “It’s either that or house arrest with lots of screaming infants. You know he’s thinking, ‘Jail! Send me to jail, quick!’ ” (Premiere Radio)

Ah, Progress: A new year is upon us. “Which unfortunately means our personal computers’ technology has fallen another four years behind.” (LaMonte Laments)

Quite a Feat: “Elizabeth” received several Golden Globe nominations. “The committee decided that any queen deemed a virgin in L.A. deserves to win.” (Werner S. Haas)

Very Crafty: According to the tabloids, Martha Stewart has gotten breast implants. “Well that’s great! Think of all the time she’ll save not having to iron the wrinkles out of the old ones.” (Steve Voldseth)

If You Can’t Do the Time: In Colorado, a municipal judge has begun sentencing teenagers convicted of playing their car stereos too loudly to an hour of Gene Autry, Hank Williams Jr. or classical music. If violators leave before the hour is up or plug their ears, they face contempt charges. “Contempt charges carry a maximum penalty of two hours of John Tesh and Kathie Lee Gifford music.” (Mark Wheeler)

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