LAUGH LINES

Order in the Court: Democrats and Republicans are arguing over whether to call witnesses. “ ‘I don’t want to call Linda Tripp, you call Linda Tripp!’ ” (the Daily Scoop)

Up to Date: The president will deliver his State of the Union address today. “It will be followed by the Republicans’ rebuttal: the state of the impeachment address.” (Paul Steinberg)

Steer Clear: Over the weekend, senators listened to opening arguments in President Clinton’s impeachment trial. “Sen. Ted Kennedy looked frustrated by the whole thing. ‘Why are we here?’ he asked. ‘It’s not like he killed a woman or anything.’ ” (the Daily Scoop)

Time Out: Basketball’s Michael Jordan is retiring. “Jordan says he just wants to kick back and relax and endorse another 50 products.” (Paul Ecker)

Burned: As part of the settlement of a recent tobacco lawsuit, all cigarette ads must be removed from Times Square. “Don’t worry, folks. It’s still OK to smoke crack there.” (Conan O’Brien)

Nice Work if You Can Get It: Julia Roberts is now asking $20 million a movie. “Even if it means working eight and nine hours a day for weeks at a time.” (Steve Voldseth)

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