He’s Finally Fed Up With Being Overfed

I’m eating a carrot. Actually, several carrots.

“Space Jam” notwithstanding, who’d have ever thought Bugs Bunny would become my role model?

Carrots, celery and broccoli have become regular features on my menu.

Despite years of resistance--and more than a small amount of denial--yours truly has gone on a diet.

I have come to terms with a harsh reality: I’m not getting any younger. Of course, this is no big secret or anything. It’s just that I’ve made the first concession to approaching middle age and have grudgingly chosen to take better care of myself.

Like many of you, maintaining a proper diet and exercise was always something I thought I would eventually get around to . . . in the distant future, that is.

I wasn’t in such bad shape, I thought. Cuddly is a good thing, isn’t it?

And besides, Queen--my wonderfully loving spouse--has told me that she likes my size, saying she wants to have something “substantial to hold onto.” No skinny dude for her.

However, by last fall, even she had commented on just how substantial I’ve become.

So, add my name to the millions of other Americans who pledge to eat less, shape up and prepare to live forever . . . or at least long enough to annoy their grandchildren.

Faithfully, I have begun to pick up The Times’ Health section every Monday and flip inside to the “How I Did It” feature. It’s even gotten to where I cut out some of my favorite tales and place them on the refrigerator.

You know the articles I’m talking about. They’re where people much fatter than you--and who had been that way for countless years--decided about six or eight months ago that they were fed up with being overweight. Then, with a regular exercise program and managed food consumption, they transformed themselves into another miraculous “before-and-after” model.

Everyone loves these stories. They give you hope. They give you encouragement. They tick you off.

I mean, if you had only come to your senses at this time last year, then it might be you who was the ideal specimen of renewed health and well-being.

Well, they say it’s never too late.

After all, I’m the same guy who gave up smoking after two decades and cut caffeine overnight by saying goodbye to coffee. No mocha. No latte. No cappuccino. Starbucks? No chance.

So, how much trouble could it be to lose a few pounds?

How naive can one guy be? I visited health and vitamin stores in Camarillo, Simi Valley and Thousand Oaks. Yikes, is good health ever complicated.

First off, an almost endless number of diets are out there to choose from. Which one is the right one?

Should it be no fat? No cholesterol? No taste?

UCLA pathologist Dr. Roy L. Walford released the results of a nutritional study on the inhabitants of Biosphere 2, that wacky enclosed ecological “bubble” where volunteers lived from 1991 to 1993. Walford determined that a low-calorie yet nutrient-rich diet produces physiological changes that may lower the risk of serious disease. The men lost an average of 18% of their total body weight; the women lost 10%.

That sounds good. Until you read the fine print.

Biosphere 2 participants consumed a chiefly vegetarian diet, such as grains, legumes, bananas, papayas and fresh greens and vegetables grown inside the controlled environment. They also raised livestock, to produce small amounts of goat meat, goat milk, pork, chicken, fish and eggs.

Vegetables are OK. Chicken and fish are fine. I can even live with legumes. But goat meat? No way.

I needed something simpler--something that didn’t involve raising livestock or require a garden.

As providence would have it, just then I received a call from “the saint who is my mother.” As she gave an update on everyone in my hometown, she mentioned that my niece had started a great new diet and lost more than 30 pounds.

Before long I got in touch with my niece--who remained calorically challenged two years after the birth of her son--and arranged for a shipment of this magical formula.

It was a combination of things that remind you of a late-night infomercial--a fat blocker, an herbal metabolic stimulant that acts as an appetite suppressant and a detoxifying colon cleanser.

These aren’t too bad, but my favorite is a powdered “engineered meal” designed to give me the optimum balance of proteins, carbohydrates and fat. To be honest, I don’t totally understand the chemistry, but it tastes just like a chocolate milkshake, so who cares?

Along with the pills and powders, I’m supposed to incorporate thermogenetic vegetables--these help to burn calories--into my meal lineup. That’s where the carrots, celery and broccoli come in.

Oh, and don’t forget the eight glasses of water each day--a stipulation I think the American Medical Assn. requires ALL diets to include.

But the other part of the eating plan is where I’m having the most trouble--the requirement for regular exercise.

OK, that and giving up regular servings of burritos and hot pastrami sandwiches.

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Gregory W. Griggs is a Times assistant city editor. His e-mail address is greg.griggs@latimes.com.