There Must Be a Suit in There Somewhere

Jeff Lulow notes that one volume of the 1999 Parker Directory of California Attorneys lists a State Bar office in Los “Angeles.” Well, we’re talking about attorneys.

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SUBWAY SAVVY: The extension of the Red Line into Hollywood prompted National Public Radio’s “Weekend Edition” show to have New Yorkers give Angelenos advice on subway riding etiquette.

No. 1 tip: Never make eye contact with the person sitting next to you. This should be easy to remember. Angelenos already know never to look at the driver stopped next to them at a red light.

How serious are New Yorkers about the eyes-straight-ahead policy? So serious that earlier this week a man who died while sitting in a New York subway car was not noticed for more than four hours.

Myself, I learned the no eye contact rule on the Metro Rail the day I happened to nod at a seatmate who had a bongo drum on his lap. I was treated to a 45-minute concert.

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ODDEST CRIME LOG ITEM OF THE WEEK: Pam Schulz sent along this excerpt from a Westside newspaper’s police report about a man who was briefly threatened by two neighbors: “Both suspects backed the male victim against the wall with their large bellies and held him there. . . . They held the victim to the wall with their bellies for more than 20 minutes. . . .”

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L.A. LIE: Chris Carnicelli of Simi Valley noticed a “Certificate of Lie” form on a purchase order for DMV supplies (see accompanying).

“I wonder if that kind of form is really needed?” he asked. “Everyone knows that NO ONE ever lies to the DMV regarding height, weight, and of course, age on their driver’s license.

“By the way, Steve,” Carnicelli continued, “just how accurate is YOUR license? Maybe I should send you a ‘certification of lie.’ ”

Hey, the 180-pound figure on my license was accurate at the time. It’s only since then that my belly has grown larger.

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AND THE ANSWER IS: The document that Carnicelli found, by the way, is actually a “Certification of Lien.”

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DUMB QUESTIONS: Erv Nichols, a Pasadena-area native, has lived in Big Bear the last two decades and collects “the dumb things tourists ask us locals.” Some examples:

* Are you on mountain time up here?

* Do you get mail delivery?

* What time does the 2 o’clock boat tour leave?

And, finally, Nichols’ favorite query:

* Where does the white go when the snow melts?

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THE RIGHT MAGAZINE SPONSORED THIS EVENT: The Playboy Jazz Festival was held over the weekend at the Hollywood Bowl and, sad to say, there were apparently no off-stage performances to match that of six years ago.

During that jazz show, a couple made love on a ridge behind the bowl, evidently unaware that hundreds of spectators were training binoculars on them. A witness said later that each time the couple “would change whatever they were doing, people would cheer them on.”

miscelLAny:

Earthquake-themed businesses in Southern California have ranged from the Earthquake Cafe in San Marcos to the Quakes minor league baseball team in Rancho Cucamonga, the Epicentre Cafe in L.A. and Faultline Cleaners in Westwood. A recent addition in downtown L.A. is the Shockwave Cafe, whose symbol is a jittery cup of coffee (see accompanying). Obviously the cup was too close to the building next door--the Epicentre.