Mr. Vice President, Byte Your Tongue

Walter Mitty Department: Being vice president is apparently hazardous to the human brain. First Dan Quayle, now Al Gore. About a year ago, Gore claimed that he and wife Tipper were the inspiration for Erich Segal’s “Love Story.” He later recanted. Now he’s telling reporters that while he was in Congress, he “took the initiative in creating the Internet.”

In fact, the Internet was invented in 1969, long before Gore made it to Congress. At that time, he was 21 years old and busy writing hit singles for the Beatles.

Fast Forward Bureau: Now that our time-traveling journalist is back from vacation in the year 19,999--where panic has erupted over the Year 20,000 computer bug--we’ve been wondering what life will be like at the end of other millenniums.

So we sent him back to the future aboard Caltech’s experimental time machine for a peek at top news stories from Y3K and beyond. Here’s what lies ahead:

* 2999: Continuing a trend toward larger and larger multiplex theaters, AMC buys Massachusetts and converts the entire state into a 35,000-screen movie theater. Rhode Island is also purchased--for use as a giant concession stand.

* 4999: Chevrolet introduces the sport-utility Hovercraft.

* 8999: The L.A. Clippers snap a 27-century losing streak with an overtime victory against a team of holograms.

* 10,999: Pope John Paul the 242nd infuriates church liberals with a decree that androids cannot be ordained as priests.

* 14,999: A 130th-generation clone of O.J. Simpson announces he is giving up his predecessors’ search for the real killers in order to play golf full time.

* 39,999: Smashing all previous box-office records, “Lethal Weapon 14,078” opens at movie theaters throughout the galaxy.

Alarming Trends Bureau: If you’ve ever wanted to lick supermodel Elle MacPherson’s back, here’s your chance. The Caribbean nation of Antigua is issuing a series of postage stamps bearing her likeness.

Oscar Madness: Oh, we wish we were an Oscar-nominated actor--mainly because they get bizarre free gifts. Last year, it was complimentary bottles of Kaopectate. This year, it’s free Serta mattresses to help the nominees get a good night’s sleep before the big show.

Lawsuit of the Day: A Pennsylvania man who tried to sue God had his case thrown out of court last week. According to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, the lawsuit blamed the Lord for failing to take “corrective action” against the man’s former employer after he was fired in 1968.

It also asked God to restore the man’s youth, resurrect his dead mother and give him the guitar-playing talent of famous musicians.

Named as co-defendants were former Presidents Ronald Reagan and George Bush, all 50 states, Congress and every single American.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Man Collects 119 Pounds of Lint From His Belly Button! Retired Plumber Saves Yucky Stuff for 52 Years!” (Weekly World News)

Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: the Hotline, Wireless Flash News Service, Chicago Sun-Times. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.