LAUGH LINES

Ready, Aim, Fire: Boris Yeltsin was reportedly shocked at the bombing attacks on Yugoslavia. “Gee, I hope this doesn’t drive him to start drinking.” (Steve Voldseth)

On the Campaign Trail: Allegedly there’s a photo going around of Texas Gov. George W. Bush dancing nude on a bar while drunk. “All these years you thought he was a member of the Bush family, turns out he’s really a Kennedy.” (Jay Leno)

On the Campaign Trail II: Democrats are gearing up for their convention in L.A. next year. “They’ve already contacted Disney to see if the company can possibly animate Al Gore.” (Jordan Tyler)

She’s Baaaack: Monica Lewinsky told People magazine that she has trouble keeping a boyfriend. “I think it has something to do with their wives finding out about it.” (Leno)

Taken for a Ride: California fined Disneyland for safety violations stemming from last year’s fatal accident. “The total fine was $12,500, or roughly what a visit to the park costs the average family of four.” (Jerry Perisho)

The Police Blotter: In Iowa, several Amish teens were arrested after rioting, vandalizing a farm and overturning several buggies. “The worst part is that the teens spray-painted everything with the words, ‘Electricity Rules!’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Off the Court: Converse canceled Dennis Rodman’s endorsement contract. “Converse officials couldn’t be reached for comment, however. They were on unscheduled leave in Las Vegas.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Coming to a Theater Near You: With the debut of the new “Star Wars” movie nearing, the merchandising effort is being geared up. “In fact, there are even plans to make a Broadway musical starring Michael Crawford that would be based on the movie. It’ll be called ‘The Phantom Menace of the Opera.’ ” (Joshua Sostrin)

Logging Off: Naked pictures of Keith Richards are circulating on the Internet. “I bet Al Gore isn’t bragging about inventing the Internet now.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Off-Key: Marilyn Manson canceled some shows after twisting his ankle. “Apparently the Antichrist doesn’t have as high a threshold of pain as you might think.” (Colin Quinn)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Things you don’t want to hear from a cab driver:

10. “You don’t mind if I swing by my apartment to reload my gun, do you?”

9. “Does the back seat smell like a dead guy?”

8. “You’re not a cop, are you?”

6. “All the empty bottles up here keep rolling under the brake.”

5. “You can help yourself to the loose potato chips under the seat.”

3. “Mommy let me drive by myself today.”

1. “My passengers have a nearly 80% survival rate.”

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