Showing the NFL Who’s Boss

For those of you keeping score at home, here is an up-to-the-minute chronology of the bid by Los Angeles to field a team in the National Football League, as best I can figure it out:

“Dear NFL:

“We would like to remodel our really old L.A. Memorial Fixer-Upper and let our principal owner be a gentleman named Mr. Eli Broad, who has more money than almost anybody on Earth except for Bill Gates and Oprah Winfrey, so that we can begin playing in your very fine league as soon as possible. Would that be OK with you people?”

Answer: No.

“Dear NFL:

“Well, we have a Plan B here where Mr. Michael Ovitz would lead a second group and build a brand new hacienda-style stadium out in Carson that would be a kind of Santa Fe Meets Santa Monica place to play football if you’re into that sort of thing. Would THAT be OK with you people?”

Answer: No.

“Dear NFL:

“We want to thank you for your recent decision to tell Carson’s football people to take a hike and to let our new team play at our L.A. Memorial Fixer-Upper, but we are a little confused when you say that you still don’t know which of our groups should own this team and why we only have a few more months to get our act together. We thought our act WAS together. Isn’t our act together?”

Answer: No.

“Dear NFL:

“Well, suppose we try this: What if Mr. Broad and his people put together one proposition for playing football at the Memorial Fixer-Upper and then Mr. Ovitz and his people put together a second proposition for playing football at the Memorial Fixer-Upper, and you tell us which one propositioned you the best. That way, we can get this thing over with once and for all, right?”

Answer: No.

“Dear NFL:

“We sure are mixed up here. We showed you one blueprint where we’d take the Memorial Fixer-Upper and paint it and plant new grass and put in new bathrooms and all kinds of cool stuff, and then we showed you a second blueprint where we’d knock down the Memorial Fixer-Upper and rebuild it out of Italian marble, Norwegian wood, Corinthian leather and Vatican stained glass. Didn’t you like either of these?”

Answer: No.

“Dear NFL:

“OK, here’s an idea. We call up John Elway and ask him to be the president of our team, even though we don’t have a team owner yet that our team president can report to, and, come to think of it, we don’t even have a team. And then we let Mr. Elway run our team, even though the only thing Mr. Elway has ever run before this is a quarterback sneak. Would that help you get off your butts and give us a team?”

Answer: No.

“Dear NFL:

“Look, throw us a bone here. Today we read in the paper that Mr. Marvin Davis, a man who might even have more money than Mr. Broad, Mr. Ovitz, Mr. Gates and Ms. Winfrey, could be thinking about buying a piece of land out by Hollywood Park that he would use to put up a place to play football. Uh, could you please tell us if you’re planning to have TWO teams here?”

Answer: No.

“Dear NFL:

“Then how about our new plan where we take the Memorial Fixer-Upper and we put up a parking garage that holds 100,000 cars, since all 100,000 of our fans will be driving to our games in separate cars. Then we charge taxpayers to build our garage. And then we don’t let them OUT of our garage unless they pay us the same amount going out as they paid going IN? Like it?”

Answer: No.

“Dear NFL:

“What if we put in 300,000 seats, a waterfall, a Pirates of the Caribbean ride, a salad bar, a fireman’s pole that cheerleaders can dance around, Legoland North, free valet parking and a bronze sculpture of NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue throwing a discus in the nude? How would that be?”

Answer: No.

“Dear NFL:

“Hey, guess what? Mr. Broad just invited Mr. Ovitz to pool their resources. And that would put together other rich people like show-biz superstar Tom Cruise and sports superstar Magic Johnson and supermarket superstar Ron Burkle and super-duper developer Ed Roski and some of L.A.’s other super people. This should clinch it for us, yes?”

Answer: No.

“Dear NFL:

“Then how about if we all stand on our heads on the 405 Freeway for 48 hours wearing Green Bay Packer cheeseheads and Dallas cheerleader cowboy boots?”

Answer: No!

“You hate us, don’t you? You’re all from New York, and you really, really hate us. Well, we won’t beg. We’ll make you 10 or 12 more proposals, but that’s it. Understand? OK, suppose we give the NFL a billion dollars in small bills and agree to move the whole damn stadium to Palm Springs? Yes or no?”

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com