Millennium Madness: It’s an Epidemic

Party Like It’s $19.99: We hate to nag, but all this gnashing of teeth over the so-called Y2K problem is diverting attention from a far bigger threat, namely the Y2K-minus-one problem, in which anxiety about the approaching millennium causes society to lose its mind.

Actually, it might already be too late. A sampling of outbreaks:

* A New Hampshire man is driving cross-country in a $500,000 see-through glass trailer. The philosophical question: Is it OK for people who live in motorized glass houses to throw stones, since they can drive away?

* Curators at the Smithsonian Institution have inducted an aspirin into the National Museum of American History. Perhaps a Flintstone vitamin exhibit is next?

* A team of 25 “Flying Frankensteins” recently parachuted into the town of Frankenstein, Mo., which temporarily changed its name to Young Frankenstein to mark the 25th anniversary of Mel Brooks’ movie.

* On Sept. 29, New York Stock Exchange officials allowed a dog named Cher to ring the opening bell for trading.

* The grand opening of a Turkish veterinary hospital on World Animal Day went awry when employees sacrificed a ram and a calf to honor a visiting minister.

* A Hungarian sculptor has announced plans to spend six years carving a life-size stone locomotive. That’s good news for Amtrak. A stone train might run faster than existing rail service.

* The cast of “The Waltons” has reunited to record a Christmas CD.

* A Tennessee author has published a book claiming that the U.S. government discovered the Holy Grail in Mongolia in 1934. But contrary to expectations, he says, the chalice Jesus drank from at the Last Supper resembles a 45-foot-tall phallus made of gold.

* The Franklin Mint has issued the “first-ever talking TV-shaped plate,” featuring “the unmistakable sound of the Three Stooges!” Some questions: First, who hatched this idea? Did research and development get flooded with letters demanding a talking Stooges collector plate? And when will the Franklin Mint issue a 45-foot-tall talking Holy Grail plate?

* Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee plan to remarry in a New Year’s Eve ceremony at the beach--in the nude. And they want their guests to strip too, according to the London Mirror. We hope Pavarotti isn’t invited. And we hope the honeymoon limo isn’t a glass trailer.

* Last but not least: Arnold Schwarzenegger considering a run for governor, Warren Beatty and Donald Trump being taken seriously as presidential candidates. How much more evidence do you need?

Quote of the Day: “Snakes make good pets. They are clean and gentle, and they give our students what they need the most, and that is unconditional love.” (Georgia school superintendent Daphne Stacks, commenting on an incident in which Bubba, a 3-foot-long classroom python, wrapped itself around the neck of an 8-year-old student and bit him.)

Stay Tuned: Off-Kilter’s latest reader contest is coming soon.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “ ‘Management Secrets of Satan’ Is Hot New Book for Bosses!” (Weekly World News)

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, PR Newswire, Baird Jones, Ann Harrison, Reuters, San Francisco Chronicle, Rachel Williams, Mike Faneuff. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.