No Humans Were Harmed in the Making of this Event

Premise: PETA’s (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) Party of the Century and Humanitarian Awards at Paramount Studios, featuring a rare performance by Paul McCartney, for airing on VH-1.

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Reality: Screaming fans! Not pop-addled teenagers, but top-dollar PETA benefactors and A-list celebrities. “It’s the only chance I’ll ever have to talk to Paul McCartney,” says Bill Maher, one of the dozen or so awardees, as he rushes in. “I’ll need every minute.” The evening begins with a VIP cocktail reception, while the likes of McCartney, Pamela Anderson Lee and Tommy Lee and Sarah McLachlan do their own thing in the celebrities-only Paramount Theater. (“I donated $50,000 and I can’t go in there?” says one incredulous benefactor, a mere VIP.) On the lot’s New York Street, gourmet buffets tempt guests with the various permutations of textured soy. The Benihana guy hacks away at a grill full of bean sprouts. O2 offers herbal teas and hemp desserts. And from Paul Mitchell, free hairstyling using nothing-tested-on-animals products. At the ceremony, more Beatlemania ensues between Ellen DeGeneres’ comedy act, serial celebrity thank-a-thons and some grisly animal torture stories, illustrated with giant-screen video footage. Two-and-a-half hours later, it’s back to the street for performances by the B-52s, Chrissie Hynde and McCartney. But don’t expect newly reduced Pamela Anderson Lee, singled out to receive the evening’s prestigious Linda McCartney Memorial Award, to wind down. “Hell, no!” she says, stopping at the cappuccino booth. “I’m jacked up now.” Duly caffeinated, she leaps onstage during the B-52s set and shakes it hip-to-hip with the go-go dancers.

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Faux PETA sake: Eliminating fur and vivisection is one thing, a life of Fakin’ Bacon and hemp sandals is another. Where do they stand? “I wear leather and I wore leather shoes tonight so I won’t be called a hypocrite,” says DeGeneres, shod in a pair of handsome black square-toed Guccis. For Gillian Anderson, it’s about being “more aware of animal testing; a lot of it goes on surreptitiously.” (Or is that Scully talking?) SNL’s Kevin Nealon calls himself “a cheatin’ vegan. But I try not to wear leather.” And remember, says activist Linda “Animal Cruelty Makes My Head Spin” Blair, sheathed in imitation boa, leopard and other looks-like-animal fabrics: “I only wear faux everything, and everybody thinks it looks great!”

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CELEB QUOTIENT: Everybody in Hollywood, Monica Lewinsky and one quarter of a band that was bigger than God.*

WOW FACTOR: Concert, cruelty-free expo and a cringe-worthy pig-bludgeoning video.

CHOW LINE: More grilled tofu, anyone?