Bruins Weren’t Beaten, They Were Disabled

Dwight Jaynes of the the Portland Oregonian on Oregon State’s 55-7 rout of UCLA on Saturday:

“Holy Toledo, how could UCLA be this bad? They were inept on offense and worse than that on defense. I mean, change defensive coordinators all you want, but you better find some speed and a few guys who can tackle.

” . . . I mean losing the game is one thing. That can happen. But being absolutely run off the field is a joke. Give them back their handicapped-parking permits.”

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Trivia time: What is the bowl record for the longest run from scrimmage?

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Boston blues: Dan Shaughnessy of the Boston Globe before the start of the World Series:

“Atlanta, Atlanta, Atlanta. Ouch. Just typing the word makes me a little queasy. Couldn’t the World Series start someplace else?

“For the fifth time in this decade, we’re going to be subjected to Ted and Jane, the moronic Tomahawk Chop, protests from American Indian groups, and the virtues of Tom Glavine and John Smoltz.

“Truthfully, is anyone in your neighborhood talking about the World Series? Any kids in the back yard pretending to be Chipper Jones? Wouldn’t all of us have rather seen Yankees-Mets? Or Red Sox-Mets?”

Speak for yourself, Dan.

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Vintage tightwad: Tom FitzGerald in the San Francisco Chronicle: “Former Minnesota Twins owner Calvin Griffith, who died Wednesday at the age of 87, was known for his bad trades as well as his frugality.

“In 1982, Charley Walters of the St. Paul Pioneer Press said of his deals:

“ ‘[Griffith] returned from the fishing season opener with his limit of walleyes. Calvin immediately took them to a grocery store and traded them for a package of Mrs. Paul’s frozen fish sticks and 10 dollars in cash.’ ”

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Young tightwad: Steve Rosenbloom in the Chicago Tribune: “After a game in which he wasn’t sacked, Rams quarterback sensation Kurt Warner took his nine offensive linemen to dinner, despite being one of the lowest-paid starting QBs in the NFL.

“Rams guard Adam Timmerman used to play for the Packers, but never got a meal from their big money QB. ‘I don’t think Brett Favre ever picked up the check in the Brett Favre Steakhouse,’ Timmerman said. ‘We don’t let him forget it. He’s tighter than two coats of paint.’ ”

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Cheap shot: From comedy writer Alan Ray: “The New York Yankees are in the Fall Classic again. And Hillary Clinton says she’s elated. She’s never been to a Super Bowl.”

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Trivia answer: Terry Baker of Oregon State, 99 yards for a touchdown against Villanova in the 1962 Liberty Bowl.

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And finally: Jay Mariotti of the Chicago Sun-Times on Atlanta relief pitcher John Rocker:

“At 15, he noticed a neighbor’s nasty old Rottweiler mangling the ear of his golden retriever, Casey. Without the slightest twinge of fear, Rocker entered the fray, lifted Casey to safety and started screaming at the Rottweiler while shooing him away with a garden hose.

“ ‘There’s something about John that drives him,’ said his mother, Judy. ‘He came out of the womb like that. It’s a fearless confidence.’ ”