The Monroe Doctrine: Bid!

A two-day auction of Marilyn Monroe’s personal belongings last week generated bids totaling more than $11 million, 37 years after her death.

This is more than Marilyn would make if she were still alive, because she’d be 73, and no snot-nosed studio punk would give her a job. She probably would be asked to audition for TV commercials for denture cream.

A dress of Monroe’s--the one she wore at Madison Square Garden to sing “Happy Birthday” to John F. Kennedy in 1962--was sold at Christie’s auction house for $1,267,500. The high bid came from a collectibles store called Gotta Have It!

It didn’t need it, but since it had to have it, it got it.

This dress fit Marilyn snugly. Everything fit Marilyn snugly. A parka fit Marilyn snugly. But she made it work. It wouldn’t have looked as good in 1962 on just anybody, like J. Edgar Hoover or Jeff Chandler.

A 1956 California temporary driver’s license of Monroe’s sold for $162,550. That was the good news. The bad news is, the winning bidder has to go stand in line at the DMV to pick it up.

Her travel makeup case was expected to bring, oh, a grand, $1,500, tops. Somebody paid $295,650 for it.

Wow, $295,650 for makeup. I seriously doubt if Tammy Faye Bakker ever spent that much in a month.

Another auction item was Monroe’s “gym equipment,” which went for $68,170. Oh, naturally. Marilyn Monroe was known for her athleticism. Flat belly, rippling muscles, powerful Atlas-like calves . . . that Marilyn was a fitness queen. I bet she could have finished a mile in 4 minutes flat, in almost any car.

All in all, more than 500 lots of Monroe memorabilia were up for sale. It didn’t matter to bidders what the item was, as long as it was Marilyn’s. Somebody would have bid $50,000 for one of her nickels.

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I recently sold my house and have been packing up my personal belongings. The bottom line is, I have been in contact with a New York auction house, and the bidding on my items will begin early next month.

The auctioneer has been quite cooperative, asking only a few preliminary questions before conducting the auction of my stuff.

Like: “Who are you again?”

I persuaded him to take a chance. He seemed skeptical at first, but after I showed him some of my memorabilia, he smiled confidently and asked for a 10% commission.

Lot A, for instance.

“What’s this?” the auctioneer asked.

“This,” I said, “is half of a candy bar that I once ate while watching a Marilyn Monroe movie.”

“In what year?” he asked.

“What year would be the most valuable?” I asked back.

“Well, she died in 1962,” he said.

“It was 1962,” I said.

He smiled confidently and said we would auction off my 1962 Marilyn Monroe candy bar at a beginning bid of $1,000.

“What else?” the auctioneer asked.

“This,” I said, “is a Marilyn Monroe dress. Did you happen to see her movie ‘The Seven-Year Itch’?”

“Yes.”

“Remember the scene when Marilyn stands over the grate and her dress blows up?”

“This is that dress?”

“Yes,” I said. “It is exactly the same dress.”

“But the label says Wal-Mart.”

“That’s right,” I explained. “I was shopping at Wal-Mart and found a Halloween costume that looks exactly like the dress Marilyn wore in that movie. Isn’t it great?”

“So it technically is ‘a Marilyn Monroe dress.’ ”

“Yes.”

He smiled confidently and said we would start the bidding for my Marilyn dress at around $100,000.

I proceeded to show off my remaining Monroe collection, including a magazine I bought in 1999 that ran a picture of Marilyn from 1959. I told him to include it, because people will buy anything of Marilyn’s.

The auctioneer asked: “You wouldn’t happen to have any of Marilyn’s temporary California driver’s licenses, would you? They’re very popular.”

“No,” I said, disappointed, “but I do have one of my old California driver’s licenses that I once drove with on a California street that Marilyn once drove on.”

“Close enough!” the auctioneer said, setting the price at 50 grand.

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OK, so I made that up.

But tell me: What do people do with the Marilyn Monroe memorabilia that they buy? Do they keep it in the kitchen and tell visitors, “See this? This was Marilyn Monroe’s frying pan”? Do they use her makeup on their own faces?

What does the Gotta Have It! store plan to do with Marilyn’s $1,267,500 dress? Put it on a mannequin? Let the owner’s wife wear it? Sell it for $1,267,501?

It’s like a recent auction of Elvis Presley’s belongings. People bought up everything but his used cheeseburgers.

I guess I just don’t understand memorabilia. I don’t want movie stars’ used clothing. I don’t want actors’ ashtrays.

It’s too bad Marilyn Monroe is dead. She made good movies. I just don’t have any use for her stuff.

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com