TV’s Month of Madness Marches Out

Thank goodness, March Madness is finally over.

No, not the NCAA basketball tournament, but the month that was in the world of television.

As Johnny Carson used to say, “How weird was it?” So weird Fox got through the month without televising any ridiculous stunts that ended in someone being launched across the Grand Canyon or marrying a total stranger. The network did replace its programming chief after just 15 months, but considering the historic revolving door leading to Fox’s executive suites, that’s only about nine months ahead of schedule.

Not only did networks behave strangely last month, but fans and stars indulged in silliness as well. So before attention turns to May--sure to be rife with weirdness as the networks set next season’s prime-time schedules and battle out another rating sweeps--let us pay tribute to the odds of March:

* NBC said it will televise the XFL, a new football league being created by the World Wrestling Federation. While details remain sketchy, the games are expected to be infused with WWF “attitude,” which means spiking the ball will be a mere tuneup for body-slamming the opposing team.

* The Oscars ceremony ran 4 hours and 10 minutes, longer than best picture nominees “American Beauty” and “The Cider House Rules” combined. When ABC shifted the telecast to Sundays, one advantage was supposed to be beginning earlier so East Coast viewers wouldn’t have to stay awake well past midnight. The real mystery, as David Letterman noted, is how any show that bloated could still hand out an award for editing.

* Fans of “Roswell”--fearing the first-year drama will be canceled--began inundating WB network executives with bottles of Tabasco sauce, which the program’s alien teenagers like to drink, as an inducement to renew the series.

If the WB was going to cancel its vampire drama “Angel” (which it’s not), would these people mail in bottles of blood?

* The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences amended its Emmy Awards selection procedure, allowing members to watch videotapes of nominees at home instead of having judging panels sit through screenings at a hotel.

In other words, Emmy voters will finally be able to decide upon the best programs on TV by watching them on TV.

* CBS announced “Cosby” will finish its run in April. Bill Cosby, commercial pitchman extraordinaire and host of CBS’ “Kids Say the Darndest Things,” acknowledged the show had never quite lived up to expectations, issuing a statement saying, “I wish we could have done better for CBS.”

While applauding Cosby’s loyalty and work ethic, does a man worth several hundred millions of dollars really need to express regret about giving up one of his jobs?

* Roughly 20 of NBC’s affiliates refused to broadcast the since-canceled sitcom “God, the Devil and Bob,” maintaining the show’s religious themes would offend viewers. Of course, if they really cared about the audience that much, wouldn’t they have taken similar steps to spare them from “Veronica’s Closet” and “The Mike O’Malley Show”?

* Two months after introducing the season’s only new comedy hit, “Malcolm in the Middle,” Fox Entertainment President Doug Herzog resigned, having reportedly thought about leaving since being given a new boss in November. His exit was held up, sources say, by negotiations regarding the allowance Fox paid him to uproot his family and relocate from New York. (Herzog purchased Roseanne’s former home for more than $3 million last July, according to The Times’ “Hot Property” column.)

There are two lessons here: 1) A network divided against itself cannot stand, but a house apparently can; and 2) Anyone interested in being paid up to five years salary for working less than two years should try getting hired either picking shows for Fox or coaching the Los Angeles Clippers.

* In a surprise move, ABC Television Network President Pat Fili-Krushel became the latest Disney executive to seek greener pastures at an Internet company, which is the only way to become a millionaire faster than sitting down across from Regis Philbin.

* Networks unveiled new-series candidates for next season, with NBC’s new roster including a show about talking dogs, not to be confused with a horse, of course, of course. Fox’s slate, meanwhile, features a program billed as being from the writer of “Armageddon,” settling once and for all the debate as to whether there actually was a script for that film.

* In the short-memory department, ABC ordered a series prototype with “Grace Under Fire” star Brett Butler. Production on “Grace” was halted several times due to Butler’s reported addiction to painkillers, contributing to ABC’s decision to cancel the show in 1998.

* The Center for Media and Public Affairs issued a study labeling TV series where characters talk about sex, such as “Friends” and “Ally McBeal,” roughly as sex-laden as late-night pay TV programs containing scenes of nude couples rolling around together, among them Showtime’s “Beverly Hills Bordello.”

* Gay and lesbian protesters rallied outside Paramount Pictures urging the studio to cancel a TV show that won’t even air for another six months.

Then again, the program will feature radio-host Laura Schlessinger, who displayed a knack for gymnastics last month with a series of flip-flops. In the span of a few days, Schlessinger hired a crisis-management public relations team, broke with it, issued an apology for past statements regarding homosexuality (“Regrettably, some of the words I’ve used have hurt some people, and I’m sorry for that”), then gave an interview saying she hadn’t apologized. This is someone people turn to for advice on big life decisions?

* UPN announced next season will be the last for “Star Trek: Voyager,” causing near-panic among die-hard fans. An online contingent is planning to protest outside Paramount demanding a new series about Capt. Sulu, the original “Trek” character played by George Takei.

Given its stated commitment to the 1st Amendment, Paramount’s best chance to satisfy both groups would be to launch a new “Trek” into space with Dr. Laura on board, where she’ll still be free to talk but no one will be able to hear her.

* Fox announced plans for a quiz show called “The Smartest Person in America,” with contestants vying for $1 million in prize money.

This raises two questions: Why would anyone worthy of that title appear on such a show, and how long can it be before someone suggests a live TV special in which the winner marries Darva Conger?

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Brian Lowry’s column appears on Tuesdays. He can be reached by e-mail at brian.lowry@latimes.com.