LAUGH LINES

Census Patrol: “Do we even need the census? If the Publishers Clearinghouse people can find out where we live, why can’t the government?” (Jay Leno)

NYPD Blues: “The murder rate in New York City is up 12% over last year. Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani is putting more police on the streets. . . . Isn’t that what caused the murder rate to go up?” (David Letterman)

For the Better: “A federal judge ruled that Microsoft violated U.S. antitrust laws, which could lead to a breakup of the computer software giant. It’s like the breakup of the phone company. In a few years, Windows will cost $900 and you’ll be placed on hold for an hour whenever you call with a problem.” (Jerry Perisho)

Educational Values: “George W. Bush promised to spend $25 million on schools that teach kids not to lie, cheat or steal. If none of the kids lie, cheat or steal, who’s going to be voted Most Likely to Become President?” (Argus Hamilton)

Premium Gasoline: “Another contestant won a million dollars on ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.’ When asked what he’s planning to do with the money, he said: ‘Fill up my car with gas.’ ” (Andrew Wisot)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.