Hi, I’ll Be Your Tour Guide

Now that the Democrats have come to Los Angeles, the people of our fair city have displayed a deep, probing curiosity for the political history beneath our feet.

All right, one guy asked me in a bar, but I’m sure he speaks for millions.

Most everyone I know out here didn’t grow up out here, so they never heard any history of Southern California; and the people who grew up here, they don’t know the history because--well, they’re Californians.

So you have a city whose past we’ve all pretty much put together from watching “Chinatown.” Bad men came in the ‘30s and stole the water, which was scarce, and then “Rocky” won best picture.

But there is a little more to it than that, so let me try to point out a few spots of interest, politically speaking, for you on the map:

Yorba Linda: Richard Nixon’s birthplace

Nixon was born in the early morning hours--and by noon he needed a shave. Also home of the Richard Nixon Library. Avoid the books on tape--they have gaps.

Brentwood: Monica Lewinsky’s former condo

Which one was hers? Just follow the empty Haagen-Dazs cartons.

Bel-Air: Ronald and Nancy Reagan’s home

Manicured lawn and, out back, a beautiful ketchup garden.

Santa Ynez Valley: Reagan Ranch

Remember when presidents actually owned property?

Simi Valley: Home of the Reagan Library

Office hours: 10 a.m. to 11:15 a.m.--just like during his presidency.

Hacienda Heights/Buddhist Temple where Al Gore raised money

How much money can people wearing robes carry anyhow? Gore said he went there because he wanted to go someplace where he seemed to have a lot of hair.

Laurel Canyon: Jerry Brown’s former house

Just like Jerry, the lights are on, but there’s nobody home.

Whittier: Richard Nixon’s college and congressional district

Don’t you miss the days when presidential scandals were about something?

Santa Monica: Peter Lawford’s former apartment where JFK allegedly rendezvoused with Marilyn Monroe

At least she didn’t save the dress.

San Clemente

Nixon’s White House retreat, and, according to Dan Quayle, the best ballplayer to ever come out of the Dominican Republic.

Occidental College

Home of a specially-made chair for 355-pound William Howard Taft. Although now on loan to Marlon Brando.

Santa Monica: Loews Hotel, a favorite among Democrats

It’s fun to watch liberals mourn the condition of the poor as they chow down on $32 Cobb salads chased with $8 bottles of spring water.

Hollywood: El Capitan Theatre

This is where Nixon broadcast his famous “Checkers” speech. It would be the last time anyone ever believed him.

Burbank: Jay Leno’s “Tonight Show” Studio at NBC

Where candidates come calling: For a politician, it’s the safest place on earth.

University of Southern California

Where some Watergate figures started doing their dirty tricks during student elections--and also beat the crap out of all the liberal kids playing hacky sack.

Hollywood: Arsenio Hall’s Paramount TV studio

This is where Clinton played the saxophone--and then subjected himself to the grueling experience of fielding Arsenio’s hard-hitting questions.

Beverly Hills

Site of the Greystone Mansion and numerous Democratic fund-raisers, where Hollywood anorexics pay $1,000 a plate for dinner.

Well, there you have it--we’re back to where we started.

Enjoy the convention, and vote!