LAUGH LINES

Wedding Bells: “Newt Gingrich announced . . . he will marry his Capitol Hill mistress, Calista Bisek. This will be his third marriage. The reason Republicans love to talk about family is because they have so many of them.” (Argus Hamilton)

Explosive Date: “O.J. Simpson was back in the news again. Police in Miami say [he] was slapped and kicked by his girlfriend. . . . I knew that blind date with Tonya Harding was not going to work out.” (Jay Leno)

Making the Grade?: “An expert hired by John and Patsy Ramsey says the two have passed a series of lie detector tests. . . . Were the tests graded on a bell curve?” (Daily Scoop)

On Patrol: “In order to keep the peace this summer in the resort town of Virginia Beach, Va., friendship patrols will walk around the boardwalk and other tourist areas reminding visitors not to curse, wear revealing clothing or play loud music. Those privileges are reserved for locals only.” (Ira Lawson)

Working It Off: “President Clinton issued the U.S. diet and exercise guide for healthy living. He found it very encouraging. He had no idea a 200-pound man can burn 500 calories by groping women in the office 20 minutes a day.” (Hamilton)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.