With Two Darrins, Book 5 Could Be Quite Bewitching

By ROY RIVENBURG

June 12, 2000 12 AM PT

TIMES STAFF WRITER

Now that Harry Potter IV is almost out, people are starting to wonder about book five. Here are some possible titles and plots:

* “When Harry Potter Met Sally.” The young wizard dates a string of women, including Stevie Nicks, Angelina Jolie, a teenage witch named Sabrina and talk-show host Sally Jessy Raphael.

* “Harry Potter and the National Transportation Safety Board.” After a tragic broom crash, the NTSB recovers the cockpit recorder and grounds all Nimbus 2000 broomsticks. It then recommends using the new Firebolt sport-utility broom, which has a global positioning system, numerous cup and caldron holders and enough cargo space for both Darrins from “Bewitched.”

* “Dirty Harry Potter.” Harry teams with Clint Eastwood and his magic Magnum to hunt down the evil Voldemort.

* “Welcome Back, Potter.” The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry becomes the Sweathogwarts School. Also, an American witch takes over as headmaster: Martha Stewart. In addition to recycling used wands and dragon bones into attractive centerpieces, she creates new student uniforms (featuring retractable pointed hats that convert to stylish berets for formal occasions), and she redecorates the campus dungeon in a lovely pastel color scheme, with nonstick caldrons for potion mixing and a new kitchen gadget from Williams-Sonoma that removes the eyes from a newt without the usual mess.

* “Muggles Are From Mars, Witches Are From Venus.” Harry and the Dursleys realize they must acknowledge and accept the differences between humans and witches in order to improve communication and achieve a happier relationship.

* “Erin Pottervich.” Harry’s long-lost cousin, Julia Roberts, arrives wearing a low-cut witch’s robe and helps him file a class-action lawsuit against Professor Snape for using carcinogens in his potion recipes.

* “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Gallstone.” Harry visits a home for elderly wizards.

* “Harry Potter and the Phantom Menace.” Harry learns that his father is Darth Vader.