Struggling to Keep ‘Real World’ Fresh

You want some really exciting TV? Have the cast of the newest edition of MTV’s “The Real World”--set in New Orleans--swap places with the crew of CBS’ “Survivor.” Of course, each would be over in about one episode. The self-absorbed “Real World” whiners wouldn’t last a day in the wild--well, muscle-bound David from the mean streets of Chicago’s South Side might. And the self-absorbed macho-macha “Survivor” gang would probably be told to just have a daiquiri and laissez les bon temps rouler in the Big Easy.

At least on “Survivor,” though, there’s a pretense that they’re facing real challenges. And that’s the problem with “The Real World.” In its ninth season, the format seems tired and contrived, at least judging from the premiere installment.

The subtitle could be “Let’s Freak Out Julie.” She’s a wide-eyed, perky blond with a sheltered Milwaukee Mormon background who’s taking time off from B.Y.U. It’s probably enough just having her here in (as described once on “The Simpsons”) Sodom and Gomorrah by the Mississip’.

But just to make sure, the producers have surrounded her with a bunch custom-designed to challenge her values: There’s gay Danny (whose military boyfriend visits, with face digitally obscured--don’t ask, don’t tell). There’s boy-crazy, brash Melissa and her time-bomb temper. There’s confident, worldly Kelley. There’s Matt, a spike-haired skate boy/computer geek, on whom Julie develops an instant crush. There’s cocky Jamie with his silver-spoon heritage. And, of course, there’s African American Danny--who himself seems to have a thing for Julie, though he still sleeps with the first girl he picks up at a dance club.

And hilarity ensues. If only! Well, it is pretty funny when Julie breaks it to her parents that she has a male roommate. But the fact is it’s hard to care how the likely dramas will play out. It’s not just that we’ve been there and done that eight times before, it’s that the way it’s put together is so obvious, calculated and manipulated.

It might also help if they weren’t put in a Garden District mansion fancifully (and expensively) decorated in a way that inspires Danny to comment of the loo, “It’s like Martha Stewart and Busta Rhymes got together and created a bathroom.”

Isn’t New Orleans colorful enough as it is? Apparently not for this show, which underserves its locale. Save for a streetcar ride, some down-home food, folk-art-covered walls and gratuitous zydeco music (which really comes from rural Louisiana, not New Orleans), this could be set anywhere, though Mardi Gras is coming up in a later episode.

Maybe next time “The Real World” should actually take place in the real world, not that it has to be a desert island or anything. A regular old apartment would do just fine--you know, someplace where real people live.

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* The new season of “The Real World” premieres tonight on MTV at 10 with a special one-hour episode. The series will continue with half-hour episodes on Tuesdays at 10 p.m., with the final episode planned to run in November.