And You Thought the Valley Was Hot

In the coming movie “Bedazzled,” Elizabeth Hurley, portraying Satan, dictates the beginning of a contract thusly: “I, the devil, with offices in Purgatory, Hell and Los Angeles . . . “

Funny, but I’ve never thought of L.A. as Hell’s Kitchen.

Maybe Hell’s Oxygen Bar, though.

*

NO SWEAT: My colleague Shelby Grad noticed a park in Santa Ana that warned against the playing of any “active sports” (see photo). That must mean you can still golf there.

*

WHAT’S RIGHT IS LEFT: Sandy Bursten of Irvine came across a restaurant with a slight restroom problem (see photo). “Guess they felt it was easier to post a sign than to call the plumber,” she pointed out.

*

LETTER IMPERFECT: Gerald Brady of Somis suspects that the object on sale in a Camarillo advertiser was an apparatus used for hoisting, not an amorous damsel (see accompanying).

*

A DIFFERENT TYPE OF SNEAK PREVIEW: One of the most unusual concerts of the year will be held on the Metro Red Line today, when various musical groups perform on the inaugural ride between the three new stations connecting Hollywood and the Valley. All-aboard time is 1 p.m. at the North Hollywood station, 5350 Lankershim Blvd. And you can be sure they’ll be checking for tickets. Cost is $25 apiece, but it’s a fund-raiser for public radio station KCSN-FM (88.5).

*

UNDER THE APPLE TREE: Onetime news hound Goldy Norton informed me that the winning answers for the big dough on the TV shows “Jeopardy!” and “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” the other night were the same:

Isaac Newton.

Different questions, though. And neither offered Wayne as an alternative choice to Isaac.

*

LONG DROUGHT: I was watching a baseball game on television when the camera focused on a fan who had caught two home run balls hit by the Angels’ Darin Erstad.

In the same game.

I doubt that statistics are compiled in this category, but that could be a major league record.

It also reminded me of the sad fact that after nearly half a century of attending baseball games, I have yet to catch a ball.

I’ve come close. In the 1950s, an outfielder with the old Los Angeles Angels minor league team threw a ball into the stands and the guy next to me caught it. (It was my father, so my family hasn’t been completely shut out.)

And a few years ago at a Dodger game, a foul ball actually landed on my box seat. But I was in line at a concession stand. (The beer I brought back helped dull the pain.)

The problem is, I’m 54 years old and I feel the biological clock ticking.

On a couple of recent occasions when foul balls came near, I had a momentary urge to use my hands to shield my skull rather than catch the ball.

Yup, I know about Newton’s law. (Isaac’s, not Wayne’s.)

miscelLAny:

People aren’t the only creatures moving about at Universal CityWalk. The latest county health report cited two concession stands there for “vermin infestation.”

Also cited for “serious or repeated violations” was an Alhambra eatery with an interesting name:

The Burp Cafe.