No Precinct More Bush Than Detroit

Bush Team Gored by Miami.

Bush Fans Act Like Donkeys.

Bobby Ross, undecided for months, finally made up his mind on election eve and pulled the lever.

And just like that, the incumbent was out of office.

No, Detroit Lion fans won’t have Ross to kick around anymore. Ross plucked his hat out of the ring Monday and took it home with him, announcing his retirement from professional football almost as abruptly as Barry Sanders had announced his.

But they still will have Charlie Batch to kick around, which was part of the trouble that led to Ross’ concession speech.

Batch, the Lions’ quarterback, is no Bobby Layne, but the kid tries his best. During the third quarter of Detroit’s 23-8 loss to the Miami Dolphins, Batch was hammered by Dolphin Jason Taylor and sprawled out on the Silverdome rug, seeing stars, which meant he couldn’t be looking at a Lion team photo.

As Batch lay there, cheers went up from the home crowd. These were Lion fans, not so far removed from Mike Utley’s paralysis, and they were cheering a head injury to the Lion quarterback because he throws a lot of incompletions.

“Bush league,” Dolphin defensive end Trace Armstrong called it. “That’s garbage. I guess the game has changed.”

Lion wide receiver Herman Moore was disgusted as well. He said he could hear people in the stands yelling, “Maybe you can get the ball more!”

These were not fans, anticipating Ross’ resignation and calling out to Sanders, who just lost his No. 1 reason to stay retired. No, Lion fans are not that smart. These fans were shouting at Moore, thinking they’re comedians, thinking Moore’s reception totals would skyrocket with Stoney Case under center.

“That was as sickening a scene as I’ve ever been a part of,” Moore said. “I saw a sick side of our fans that I thought I’d never see. . . . It was an all-around embarrassing day.”

Ross couldn’t agree more. “This was one of the most embarrassing losses I’ve ever had,” he said. “This loss is going to be very hard for me to digest. I’m going to go home and reflect on some things with my wife.”

Say this for Ross: The man is no Gunther Cunningham. As the Chiefs’ coach had in September, Ross hinted heavily Sunday that he was about to quit. Unlike Cunningham, Ross went home and didn’t come back. It was all too much to take: Two bad defeats after a promising 5-2 start, his starting quarterback sidelined because of a concussion, his home fans acting as if they’d been imported from Philly, an NFL Sunday full of stunning upsets and his Lions doing nothing more than perfecting punt-play snaps.

With 100% of the precincts reporting, how about these numbers?

Arizona 16, Washington 15.

Chicago 27, Indianapolis 24.

Carolina 27, St. Louis 24.

Denver 30, New York Jets 23.

How do these things happen?

Let us count the ways:

1. The Redskins laid out $100 million in the off-season to upgrade their offense and defense, but scrimped on their kicking, handing the duties to a raw rookie, Kris Heppner. You tend to get what you pay for, as Redskin owner Daniel Snyder ought to know: Heppner missed two fourth-quarter field-goal attempts, one a 33-yarder, and Washington lost by a point.

“The worst thing that’s ever happened to me,” said Heppner, a sharp kid who quickly added, “I hope I’m here to play another game.”

(Ah, youth. Monday, Heppner was released.)

2. Cade McNown’s shoulder injury accomplished what the collective brain power of the Bear coaching staff could not: Move Jim Miller in at starting quarterback. The decision should have been made some time about 10 weeks ago, but better late than never. Miller passed for 214 yards and a touchdown, threw no interceptions, and the other Bears, thoroughly shocked, did the unimaginable and doubled their 2000 victory total.

3. Marshall Faulk has his knee drained just before kickoff and does not play, replaced in the starting lineup by one Justin Watson. Throughout factual and fictional history, superstars have been ably supported by Watsons. Sherlock Holmes had his, Alexander Graham Bell had his, but Faulk? Ram Coach Mike Martz calling out, “Watson, come here, I want you,” simply doesn’t have the same ring. That’s elementary, as the Panthers, who held Watson to 12 yards in 12 carries, could have told anyone.

4. Vinny Testaverde was cursed by CBS, which thought it would be cute to superimpose the head of the Jet quarterback on the body of Superman to illustrate Testaverde’s prowess in the clutch. Then, with four chances to win the game from the Denver two-yard line, Super Vinny fired four incompletions--the last a short-armed short-hop that left a wide-open Richie Anderson rolling on his back in anguish in the end zone. Let that be a lesson, CBS. Superman overthrows evil megalomaniacs set on world domination. He never underthrows anyone.

But the biggest stunner of all Sunday was a 14-yard pass from Trent Dilfer to Brandon Stokley, breaking the streak that was supposed to be more unbreakable than DiMaggio’s: The Baltimore Ravens’ touchdown-less streak. The Ravens pushed it as far as they could--21 quarters, 322 minutes and 32 seconds--but were thwarted at last by an inevitable obstacle, the Cincinnati Bengals’ defense.

The Bengals, who also yielded the Ravens’ last pre-streak touchdowns back on Sept. 24, gave it up to Stokley early in the second quarter of a 27-7 Raven victory. On videotape, it appears to be just a nondescript swing pass completed amid blown coverage. But in reality, it ranks as the most important touchdown scored in Baltimore since Alan Ameche’s overtime plunge when the Colts beat the New York Giants in the 1958 NFL championship game.

Raven wide receiver Qadry Ismail, eyewitness to history, was beside himself--and, luckily for him, Baltimore wasn’t flagged for having 12 men on the field.

Ismail said he “was just, like, ‘Yes! The curse is over! The Boston Red Sox are going to the World Series, and they’re going to actually win it.’ That’s how I felt.”

Get a grip, Qadry.

Getting past a Bengal cornerback is one thing. Getting past the New York Yankees in October is quite another.