THE NONWRITING LIFE

There’s little doubt there will be a strike this spring by TV and film writers. Because I’m a writer for ABC’s “Politically Incorrect,” and because I intend to survive the strike, I’m already making contingency plans.

* Begin exchange of letters with Thomas Pynchon. I’ve always felt an affinity with Pynchon--maybe I see bits of “Gravity’s Rainbow” in my monologue jokes about Madonna.

* Finish musical based on the life and work of Alan Greenspan.

* Detail leather pants.

* Start Internet company, Haircuts.com.

* Discuss “Ulysses” with the creator of “Jackass.”

* Watch daytime talk shows. Prepare to be entertained and empowered.

* Connect with nature by starting own personal rolling blackouts.

* Buy a box. Stand outside it and think.

* Practice networking skills. Ask cashier at market for introduction to produce manager. Share thoughts from outside the box (display vegetables alphabetically).

* Examine feelings for Stone Phillips.

* Begin work on independent project: A 19-hour Ken Burns-style documentary chronicling the great harmonica bands of the ‘20s and ‘30s.

* Consider more secure work, such as starting an HMO for carnies, or joining a rapper’s entourage.

* Prepare for end of strike by learning to fake enthusiasm for meetings with developers of “Who Wants to Be a Butcher?” and “Sleep With My Wife!”