This Elvis’ Aim Is True No More

When it comes to Elvises (Elvi?), I have always been a Costello man, as opposed to Baltimore Raven Coach Brian Billick, who spent $30 million last off-season to cast his lot with Grbac, and we know where that got him.

I can feel Billick’s pain, however. I, too, have been burned by Elvis, shelling out for Costello’s 1991 dud, the ironically titled “Mighty Like A Rose.” That’s $13.99 I’ll never get back.

And, frankly, when it comes to the current state of Elvi (Elvises?), let’s face it, Grbac and Costello have seen better days. Remember San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown calling Grbac, then with the 49ers, “an embarrassment to humankind” after a 1996 loss to Dallas? Longtime Costello fans had a similar reaction when they spotted their hero--a legendary anti-establishment irritant, once upon a time--crooning alongside Burt Bacharach in the second Austin Powers movie.

Alas, the parallels between Grbac and Costello now are too obvious to ignore. So excuse Billick and me as we drown our sorrows listening one more time to “Armed Forces,” imagining what might have been....

INITIAL ENTHUSIASM

Grbac: Shortly after Grbac signed with the Ravens, Baltimore tight end Shannon Sharpe, a former teammate of John Elway, said he was “ready to proclaim [Grbac] the best passer I’ve ever played with.”

Costello:

“He’s got the keys to the car

“They are the keys to the kingdom.

“He’s got everything you need,

“It’s a shame that he didn’t bring them.”

CAREER OPPORTUNITIES

Grbac: “I’m really in the prime of my career, I think,” he said in September. “And to have an opportunity to come [to Baltimore] as a member of this team, a chance of really getting that ring as a starting quarterback ... you’ve got to take that opportunity.”

Costello:

“Opportunity, opportunity,

“This is your big opportunity.

“They shop around, follow you without a sound;

“Whatever you do now, don’t turn around.”

PLANS FOR THE FUTURE

Grbac: “For the next four or five years, we can be like a Dallas. We can be the team that makes that run. I won’t think any other way.”

Costello:

“I ask myself,

“Is all hope lost?”

FAILED PROMISE

Grbac: Billed as the final link in the completion of the Raven dynasty, Grbac is 4-4 in eight starts and Baltimore, 6-4 overall, trails Pittsburgh by 11/2 games in the AFC Central.

Costello:

“Here we are living in paradise,

“Living in luxury.

“Oh, the thrill is here but it won’t last long.

“You better have your fun before it moves along.”

PHYSICAL CONDITION

Grbac: Suffered a concussion in a Sept. 23 defeat against Cincinnati. Sat out two games because of a rib cage injury suffered Oct. 21 against Jacksonville.

Costello: “He’s a battered old bird.”

QUARTERBACK RATING

Grbac: Has thrown 13 interceptions--one every 20 passes--and only nine touchdown passes for a 69.5 quarterback rating, the lowest on the team, even lower than punter Kyle Richardson’s, and Richardson is one for one for minus-11 yards.

Costello: “Oh, Alison, my aim is true.”

BIG SHOES TO FILL

Grbac: Was supposed to replace Steve Young in San Francisco; couldn’t. Was supposed to rekindle memories of Joe Montana in Kansas City; didn’t. Was supposed to be a major improvement over Trent Dilfer in Baltimore; hasn’t been.

Costello:

“Why do you have to say there’s always someone who can do it better than I can?

“Don’t you think that I know that walking on water won’t make me a miracle man?”

HOME SWEET HOME

Grbac: Things have gotten so bad, fans in Baltimore have taken to chanting for Randall Cunningham, Grbac’s backup.

Costello:

“I want to bite the hand that feeds me.

“I want to bite that hand so badly,

“I want to make them wish they’d never seen me.”

WORDS OF SYMPATHY

Grbac: From Sharpe: “If Elvis is down, he can’t get any lower. In all my 12 years, I have never had someone cheer for my backup to come in the ballgame.... I don’t know if he can be any lower.”

Costello: “Everything means less than zero.”

FAILED PROMISE II

Grbac: More from Sharpe: “He was brought here to do a job, and the job is not getting done.”

Costello: “There’s no action.”

BELIEVE IT OR NOT

Grbac: This week, Billick told reporters, “Elvis Grbac has no stronger supporter on this team than Shannon Sharpe. I will personally guarantee you that.”

Costello:

“Lip service

“Is all you’ll ever get from me.”

STATE OF THE UNION

Grbac: Last Sunday, Billick watched Grbac commit five turnovers--four interceptions, one fumble--in a 27-17 home loss to the 3-year-old Cleveland Browns.

Costello: “This is hell.”

TRYING TO COPE

Grbac: After last Sunday’s loss to the Browns, Sharpe ended his session with the media by pulling off his clip-on microphone after uttering these words: “I’m very disappointed. I can’t really say what I really think.”

Costello:

“I used to be disgusted;

“Now I try to be amused.”