A New Disguise for CIA Shows

One benefit of writing a column is the occasional opportunity to avoid real work by contemplating how to do someone else’s job--in this case, how TV executives might salvage the CIA-oriented shows arriving this fall.

The networks are always hard-pressed to explain how such things happen, but CBS (“The Agency”), ABC (“Alias”) and Fox (“24”) all scheduled new series in May that focus on Central Intelligence Agency operatives. And while ratings for “Alias” have been reasonably good while “The Agency” has fared somewhat worse (“24” won’t premiere until next month), it’s fair to say that handling fictional espionage in the wake of real-life terrorist attacks at the least has the potential to be awkward, timing-wise.

Then a lightbulb went off, just like in the cartoons. Why not make these programs about a subject Hollywood really understands--namely, the shadowy world of show business itself? If you’re talking about dealing with nefarious characters, after all, is it really that much of a leap from the CIA to CAA?

Now before anyone calls Bellevue, just think about it. Networks tinker with series prototypes all the time. They add characters and drop them. They alter concepts. In the case of “Wolf Lake,” CBS jettisoned the plot and kept little more than the title and part of the cast. Last year, NBC’s “Cursed” was ordered, had its premise changed and was renamed twice, all before Christmas.

Moreover, networks have already sought to downplay aspects of these shows to diminish the specter of terrorism. CBS delayed what was to have been the first episode of “The Agency,” in which the CIA rushes to thwart a bombing plot that initially referenced Osama bin Laden, and on Tuesday postponed another episode that dealt with an anthrax scare. In similar fashion, Fox is deleting a scene in which an assassin blows up an airplane during “24.”

Such cosmetic touch-ups, however, don’t really address the larger issue: Unless these agents spend their time rescuing kittens from trees, they run the risk of bumping into uncomfortable real-life events past, present and future. As a result, a more radical creative overhaul might be worth considering--though nothing more elaborate, necessarily, than the surgery development executives practice daily.

So can these programs be saved?

Well, for starters, what does the entertainment industry know best? Itself, of course--its own arcane inner workings. And given Hollywood’s penchant for exposing its dirty laundry and foibles--from “The Player” to HBO’s “The Larry Sanders Show” to Showtime’s “Beggars and Choosers”--it doesn’t seem farfetched that the easiest way to revise these series would be by injecting a Hollywood twist.

Taking into consideration the time and money invested building name recognition and awareness, the rebirthing process wouldn’t even require new titles. To wit:

* “The Agency.” Current description: A look at the high-stakes world of the CIA and the way in which its investigations are handled.

Just change one letter and you’re in business. That’s right, a weekly one-hour drama about the heroic operatives of Creative Artists Agency--a high-powered organization full of aggressive, attractive young people (primarily in the 18-to-49 age bracket) who spend their days solving crises that involve desperate, ruthless individuals.

Doesn’t that sound like a talent agency to you? And for that matter, doesn’t star Gil Bellows look more like that kind of agent than the one he’s currently playing?

* “Alias.” Current description: A grad student whose job as an agent for SD-6, a top-secret division of the CIA, holds deadly secrets that put her life in danger and threaten the security of the free world.

In short, what we have here is a beautiful woman who periodically changes her identity to help her career, which for some reason regularly entails shimmying into skimpy outfits.

Well, duh. What young actress doesn’t do that?

Episode 6 could have the main character, played by Jennifer Garner, going on a cattle call audition for a role in a prime-time soap, when another actress tries (figuratively) to stab her in the back. While that may not sound as riveting as having her teeth pulled without Novocaine, most actors will tell you the experiences are similar.

* “24.” Current description: Kiefer Sutherland plays a member of the government’s Counter Terror Unit who has 24 hours to stop an assassination attempt on a presidential candidate.

Remember Riley Weston, the thirtysomething actress who convinced people she was only 19 to secure a writing job on the WB’s “Felicity”? In an edge-of-your-seat thriller, Sutherland could portray a 42-year-old writer who must convince producers he is 24 to get a staff position on a hot new sitcom.

Consider the tension in this sample dialogue. “Your spec script is great--quick, who was president when you graduated from high school?”

“Um, uh, Clinton. Yes, that’s right, Clinton.”

If any of these revisions work--and a one-in-three success rate would surpass the norm--networks might do the same with unscripted programs, which have largely stumbled out of the starting gate this fall.

Take CBS’ “Big Brother,” which could lock a dozen agents in a room with a top producer and guarantee whoever lands the client 13 episodes after “Friends.” Or ABC’s “The Mole,” which could send a TV executive undercover to persuade rival networks to buy unfunny sitcoms. (Network executives might want to try this alibi, come to think of it, to explain some of their latest offerings.)

As for those still struck dumb by the fact that new CIA shows could almost simultaneously appear on three networks, chalk it up to a dose of me-too-ism (“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” made procedural crime-solving attractive), a pinch of happenstance (executives insist these shows were more promising than most of the alternatives), a dollop of media simplification (just as “ER” didn’t have much in common with “Chicago Hope,” the three are legitimately somewhat different), and a sprig of we-haven’t-done-this-in-awhile.

Where the TV industry’s heightened sensitivity will leave us next season, meanwhile, is anybody’s guess. Still, if you hear talk of a new series about agents, don’t be surprised if their holsters are filled with cell phones, not six-shooters.

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Brian Lowry’s column appears Wednesdays. He can be reached at brian.lowry@latimes.com.