When It Comes to Making NFL Picks, It’s in the Bag

Based on personal experience, I can tell you the problem with having DirecTV--it attracts grocery store baggers.

There’s no question the only reason my younger daughter is engaged is because we have the NFL package on Sundays featuring every game.

And that’s what I have to look forward to this Sunday, eight hours of small talk with the grocery store bagger about what’s new in frozen foods at Ralphs, while he lies on our couch, whooping it up when Jon Kitna throws a touchdown for his fantasy team, and then asking if anyone is going to order (pay for) a pizza.

My alternative, of course, is to go shopping with my lovely wife.

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SO I’LL be watching football Sunday ... and paying for the pizza.

It’s going to be a grueling 16-week grind, but you know some people think it’s a good idea to live together before getting married, and better me and the grocery store bagger than my daughter and the big lug--if you know what I mean.

As it is, I know enough about this guy--he’s a Steelers’ fan who also counts Kevin Brown as one of his favorite athletes--that I’m already thinking divorce, which is going to make it really painful to pay for the wedding.

That’s why I suggested a friendly wager--each of us picking the division winners leading to this year’s Super Bowl champion--so when I do trudge down that aisle I can smile knowing the big loser paid for my tux.

Since it’s pretty well accepted by everyone around here that I’m a football expert, I know it’s not fair, so I let him pick first--as long as he agreed to start with the AFC Central Division.

“I’ll take Pittsburgh,” he said, and I’d like to tell you he’s smarter than he looks, but I’d be lying.

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NOW AS a father, you spend your entire life trying to protect your daughter from the scary evil things that are out there, and one day she comes home with someone who has shaved his head, picking the Raiders to win the AFC West. Hopefully, it’s the closest she will ever come to dating a criminal.

In addition to tabbing the Ravens, Titans and Broncos as wild-card picks, the big lug selected the Colts to win the AFC East, I presume because Coach Jim Mora has a never won a playoff game, and he’s due. We used to have a guy working here who picked horses the same way.

In the NFC, he likes New Orleans, New York and Tampa Bay to win division titles, the Rams, Eagles and Vikings making it as wild cards and the Bucs going on to lose to the Steelers in the Super Bowl. I guess if someone has to have a son-in-law at some point, it’s not bad to have one who is willing to wager he doesn’t know anything about football.

My daughter is used to living with someone who knows so much more about football, which makes me wonder if she can put up with a lifetime of this.

Anyway, it’s pretty obvious to me--and probably to her--that Tennessee, Denver and Miami are going to win AFC division titles with the Ravens, Raiders and Seahawks sneaking into the playoffs.

You can mark down St. Louis, Green Bay and Philadelphia as NFC winners along with Tampa Bay, New Orleans and Washington making it as wild cards.

St. Louis plays Denver in the Super Bowl, the Broncos win, and the grocery store bagger is working overtime at Ralphs--fully expecting, of course, to find a pizza waiting for him when he gets off work.

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WHEN I received this anonymous letter with details about the $1,930,000 home that “Carroll” had just purchased, I naturally assumed the letter was referring to John Carroll--our big editor here at The Times. If you go through life thinking editors are incredibly overpaid, you can understand how I could jump to such a conclusion.

But reading the fine print, this was about USC Coach Pete Carroll’s new home in Rolling Hills--a 3,901-square foot treasure protected by a guarded gate and listed on the market for $1,975,000--and selling for $1,930,000.

We run a special feature every week in our real estate section detailing a celebrity’s home purchase, but this is a football coach who was out of work, fired in New York, fired in New England and getting loan approval for $1,350,000 after putting down $600,000.

I can’t imagine any episode of “Fear Factor” being any more treacherous than a USC football coach taking on an $11,000 monthly payment while working on the whim of Athletic Director Mike Garrett.

JUST SO there’s no misunderstanding on the other Carroll’s part, I’m sure he’s the exception to the editor rule--and deserves every penny he makes.

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THE OAKLAND A’s are now 11-0 when F.P. Santangelo starts for them. You know me, I was president of the F.P. Fan Club when he was here.

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WHEN BUFFALO offensive lineman John Fina was asked about the Bills’ chances, he told an AP reporter: “I tell everybody the same thing. If Julia Roberts can win an Academy Award, then anything can happen.”

Julia Roberts marrying Lyle Lovett proved that to me.

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THE NICE thing about a Sparks’ championship rally, there are no crowds to fight. At least that’s what I was told.

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AFTER WEDNESDAY’S game, the Angels are 6-10 since Manager Mike Scioscia’s contract was extended. There’s talk now Disney intends to revoke his lifetime pass to the Electric Parade.

TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Chris:

“You’re Little League article caught my eye, but unfortunately it was a waste of my time. Your view seems to be it’s OK to cheat. Your attitude reminds me of all the insane parents I met during my 13 years in Little League.”

Listen kid, if you were in Little League for 13 years you were breaking the rules.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.