You Know Both Sides Are Hooked on a Feeling

David Whitley of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel says People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is “at it again.”

“PETA says fishing is cruel and unusual punishment,” he explains. “Not for the fishermen getting sunburned and [vomiting] on charter boats. It’s cruel to the fish. After all this time, it seems bass have feelings too.

“‘Imagine reaching for an apple on a tree and having your hand suddenly impaled by a metal hook ... ‘ So begins the horrific tale on the PETA Web site, specifically www.fishinghurts.com . It says fish feel the same sensations as humans. They despair and hurt, only they don’t go on Oprah and make a big deal about it ...

“Let’s be real. It’s great to hug a tree. You should have cried when Bambi’s mother was shot. But we have enough threats to our way of life without feeling guilty about catching a trout.”

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Trivia time: Who holds the Pacific 10 Conference record for touchdown passes in a game?

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Priorities: Seattle Mariner Manager Lou Piniella, in an interview with Laura Vecsey of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, said he is more concerned about getting his team ready for postseason play than equaling or breaking the major league record for regular-season wins of 116 set by the 1906 Chicago Cubs.

“Look. We’re trying to bring a World Series situation to Seattle, regardless of how many wins we have the rest of the year. Besides, can you tell me who was the manager of the 1906 Cubs? No one remembers.”

Vecsey: “For the record, it was Frank Chance [as in Tinkers to Evers to Chance].”

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Let’s hope so: Bud Geracie in the San Jose Mercury News: “Headline on 49er injuries: ‘Lewis and Clark out again.’ Maybe they’ll discover new land.”

* “Nothing signals a return to normalcy like Philly fans booing.”

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Motherly coach: Scott Ostler in the San Francisco Chronicle: “More scandal! The NCAA is investigating Utah basketball. One charge, seriously, is that Coach Rick Majerus served milk and cookies to his players at film-study sessions.

“Had he also served brownies, he’d be facing banishment under the NCAA’s ‘three snacks and you’re out’ rule.”

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Last hurrah: A team led by John Elway beat another team led by Joe Montana, 34-33. Wait a minute! Those famous NFL quarterbacks are retired. But they played against each other Saturday night in a flag-football game at Denver’s Mile High Stadium.

It was the last event at the stadium. The Broncos now play in newly built Invesco Field.

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Less intimidating: Television commentary on USC’s new offense: “Tailback U has now become Spread-Out U.”

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Trivia answer: Pat Barnes of California, eight, in a four-overtime game against Arizona in 1996.

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And finally: Macalester College in St. Paul, Minn., is one of the most consistent teams in small college football. It also is one of the worst. From 1974-80, the Scots set a national record with a 50-game losing streak.

Last season, they finished 1-9. This year’s team is 0-3 and has only 38 players.

So it’s not surprising that the school’s president, Michael McPherson, plans to form a panel to decide whether the school should retain the team.