This Year’s Been a Zoo, Starring Our Animal Pals and Us Wacky Humans

You’ve logged on to Windows 2003, a review of the offbeat from the past year:

Stand by your mate: After a woman was arrested for allegedly assaulting her husband, he posted bail, the Laguna Beach Independent said, “so that they could resume the celebration of their wedding night.”

Couch potato of the year: A Barstow woman asked authorities to “tell her husband to get a job or leave the residence because all he does is eat and lie around,” a police report said. Officers concluded, however, that the hubby “was not disturbing the peace” when they made an afternoon visit. He was sleeping.

The cake-cutting went on forever: In a Manhattan Beach bar, Francine Mora of Venice overheard an arriving customer offer this apology to a companion: “Sorry I was late. I was at a dog wedding.”

Language! Residents on Camino Cachones in San Clemente had the street name changed because they were tired of hearing it pronounced Camino “Cojones,” the latter being a Spanish slang word for testicles.

No wonder he missed the dog wedding! A West L.A. woman complained that her puppy was stolen from her apartment, but withdrew the accusation the next day, explaining she found the animal stuck in her knee-high boot.

Someone with a lot to learn about cats: A Laguna Beach resident feared her new cat had died and was pinned under a mattress, but an officer found the creature atop a tall clothes cabinet -- and quite alive. “She assumed it had died because it wouldn’t come when she called,” an officer said.

Someone with a lot to learn about horses: Barney Ganga of Long Beach spotted a sign maker’s depiction of an animal that sure doesn’t quack like a duck (see photo).

Case of the larcenous lips: A woman at a Dana Point bar said that a man stole her diamond ring, possibly when he kissed her hand.

The same guy? Sylvia Sullivan of Thousand Oaks noticed a sign that seemed to announce the presence of an annoying individual ahead (see photo).

Guess he figured Bob would have a heavenly seat for the games: At a final viewing of Bob Hope’s body, San Diego Chargers owner Alex Spano tucked a copy of his team’s 2003 schedule into the comedian’s jacket pocket.

Someone who didn’t case the joint: A man was arrested for walking out of the L.A. Police Academy’s gift shop with $190 worth of items concealed under his shirt.

Garage sale of the year? Henk Friezer of Eagle Rock spotted a neighborhood display of bargains that was evidently so big traffic had to be detoured (see photo).

Lights! Camera! Arrest! Sheriff’s deputies searching for stolen merchandise in an Altadena-area house found several items, including a videotape. On the tape, a suspect inventoried the loot, uttering such lines as “Stolen video camera.” Another voice says: “Shut up, dude. You never know who might see this! Cut!”

Naked came the squeegee: Witnesses in Mission Viejo complained of a nude man emerging from “the bushes with Windex and a rag [who] runs up to cars at the intersection and tries to wipe their windows.”

Down the drain: The annual Fluidmaster Flush-Off in San Juan Capistrano was canceled due to a lack of qualified entrants at the auditions. Performers were asked to imitate the sound of a toilet flushing.

Sweets attack: An assailant wrestled a package of cookies away from a man outside a Hollywood store and fled. The thief was described as weighing “between 250 and 300 pounds.”

Closed-captioning of the year: A sign-off for “Dateline NBC” showed up this way on the TV screen: “For awful us here at NBC News, good night.” The same from us, more or less.

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800)LA-TIMES, Ext. 77083, and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.