Pass Me One of Those Bipartisan Burgers, Pal

Something as simple as just getting our families together once in a while for a barbecue or a potluck supper . . . could help senators find common ground, I think, and may strengthen the bonds of friendship and trust between our two parties.

Sen. Tom Daschle (D-S.D.), June 25, 2004

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MEMO TO: All Senators

FROM: Events Planning Committee

RE: First “Beltway Blast” Picnic

Hey, gang, who says we can’t work together? After only four weeks of debate, here’s the lineup for Saturday’s big blowout at Rock Creek Park. See you there!

9 to 11 a.m.: Bipartisan Bagel Breakfast hosted by Joe Lieberman (D-Conn.) and Arlen Specter (R-Pa.). Learn the difference between a “smear” and a “schmear.” Get tips on how to thank Jewish contributors (“Such a mitzvah that you’re supporting me!” “Your donation gives me much nachas,” etc.) Also, the “Senate’s Fein-est” -- a.k.a. the hilarious Feinstein & Feingold -- will perform their classic congressional comedy routine, “Who’s on Frist?”

11 a.m. to noon: Spin the Moderate: Players attempt to sway champion fence-sitters Lincoln Chafee (R-R.I.) and Olympia Snowe (R-Maine), then kiss up to them for their support on pet projects. (As discussed, John McCain will not participate, pending a “thorough review of the rules.”) Biden Says: In a fast-paced test of legislative loyalty, Joe Biden (D-Del.) will challenge Senate colleagues to actually listen to what he has to say. Soak the Independent: Jim Jeffords (I-Vt.) has graciously agreed to sit in a dunking booth, permitting grudge-holding GOPers to enjoy a little payback. Thanks Jim -- and happy landings!

Noon to 1 p.m.: Lunchtime fun, featuring the Tip O’Neill Memorial Hot Dog Eating Contest! Will it be Teddy “The Hoover” Kennedy (D-Mass.) or John “Keep ‘Em Comin’ ” Sununu (R-N.H.)? Will Barbara “Hold the Relish” Mikulski (D-Md.) score an upset? (Senate alum Bob Packwood will be on hand for mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, if needed.)

1 p.m. to 2 p.m.: Move over, Betsy Ross. At the Arts & Crafts table, Debbie Stabenow (D-Mich.) and Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-Texas) will fashion American flag lapel pins out of lanyards. Also, Liddy Dole (R-N.C.) and Patty Murray (D-Wash.) will try to assemble facsimiles of their respective parties’ platforms -- using nothing but Popsicle sticks! Good luck, ladies!

2 p.m. to 4 p.m.: Contests will include Arm-Twisting, Mudslinging (with real mud!) and Invective Spitting (winner receives the coveted Santorum Trophy).

Also: The Potato Sack Race (hop in the sack with a colleague -- with no voter backlash!); the 100-yard Daschle (who can get away from Tom fast enough when he starts that “blessings of bipartisanship” thing again?); and the Archer Daniels Midland Pork Barrel Race. (Can anyone beat Robert Byrd? Don’t bet on it.)

4 p.m. to 6 p.m.: Enjoy a nature hike with Ben Nighthorse Campbell (R-Colo.) or shoot something with Zell Miller (D-Ga.). Attend a lecture by Bob Graham (D-Fla.) and Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) titled, “From Billy to Heather: Great American Grahams.” Or, it’s Elephants vs. Donkeys in a lightning round of Beltway Jeopardy. (Sample: “He’s got the funniest name in the Senate.” “Who is Mike Crapo?”)

6 p.m. to 8 p.m.: Potluck supper. So far, we’ve got John Breaux (D-La.) making his famous K Street Krawfish and Chuck Hagel (R-Neb.) bringing Omaha steaks. Daniel Inouye (D-Hawaii) promises either pie or poi (can you clarify, Danny?), and Mike DeWine (R-Ohio) is bringing -- what else? -- de wine!

8 p.m. to 10 p.m: Moonlight sing-along with Orrin Hatch (R-Utah). Lakeside skinny dip (We’ll find out once and for all: Does Barbara B. wear boxers?).

And finally, scary stories from both sides of the campfire. From the left: “The Ghost of Strom Thurmond.” From the right: “Hillary in ’08.”

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Bruce Kluger and David Slavin write satire for National Public Radio’s “All Things Considered.”