Some Words to the Wise, Revised

I have never been asked to speak at a college graduation. Every spring, I sit at home stewing in my own resentment, while the Bishop Tutus, Ted Koppels and Madeleine Albrights of the world fill the air with blather. However, should one of them have car trouble and not be able to make it, I’m not too proud to be a last-minute sub. Instead of giving advice, I’d offer help in making sense of some advice that the graduates have undoubtedly received:

It’s better to be a big fish in a small pond than a small fish in a big pond. I say it’s better not to be a fish at all. You will not do well on job interviews (most of which are held on dry land), and landlords generally will not rent to you, except possibly on a month-to-month basis.

Slow and steady wins the race. This was true exactly once -- in the much-publicized tortoise-hare contest. What most people aren’t aware of is that slow and steady has lost every other race. Fast will beat slow (whether it’s paired with “steady,” “determined,” “crinkly” or any other adjective), and you’re foolish to think otherwise.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. On this, I agree, unless it’s a basket specifically designed for this purpose. Come to think of it, if your basket lacks proper padding and compartments that eliminate jostling, I wouldn’t put any eggs in it at all.

Take the bull by the horns. Bullfighting is a specialized field, and one I would recommend steering clear of. First, the clothes are somewhat gaudy and uncomfortable (except where certain bullrings have adopted casual Fridays). Second, it’s nearly impossible to work out of your home. But if your heart is set on a career in the bullfighting arts, you still should not take the bull by the horns. The right method consists of waving a red cape, then running like heck. Taking the bull by the horns was probably advice given by someone who wanted to see you get hurt.

Necessity is the mother of invention. This is well established, but it also ignores an equally important question: Who’s the father? Necessity has been strangely tight-lipped on the matter. Many believe the father of invention is a retired Formula One driver who owns a body shop on the outskirts of Tampa. The name of rock ‘n’ roll legend David Lee Roth has also been bandied about in this case, as well as that of NBA Hall-of-Famer Julius Erving.

There’s more than one way to skin a cat. This is an area in which I have little expertise. I will say, however, that if a supposed truism about cat-skinning ends up applying to your career, you might not be using your degree to its full potential. Unless, of course, your degree is in feline dermabrasion (which at most schools is offered as an independent study).

He who laughs last, laughs longest. Not true. A friend of my Aunt Fanny was hard of hearing, so when a joke was made, someone would have to repeat it to her, almost shouting. She would then acknowledge the joke with a simple, staccato “Ha!” -- thus laughing last and shortest.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Also not true. In fact, I’d go so far as to say the opposite is true: If you’re like me, and you have yummy cake, I defy you not to eat it too. What I think this advice is getting at is that if you eat your cake, then at some point you’ll have to get more cake.

There’s no “i” in team. Though this is undeniably true, I don’t know why it’s coming up only now, only minutes before the official end of college. Anyone with even the most basic knowledge of spelling has surely known it for years. Which is why I will instead send you into the world with a more useful nugget of orthography: “There’s no ‘x’ in eczema.” It sure sounds as if there should be one, but there isn’t.

OK, kids. Now go get ‘em.