When 30 is the new 20, old rules of parenthood don’t fit

NEW YORK —  This should be the time of year when new college graduates celebrate their independence, moving into a home they can finally call their own.

“Should” is the operative word. In reality, many twentysomethings are living in their childhood rooms, struggling to reconcile their status as working adults with their traditional role within the family.

This full-nest syndrome isn’t easy on parents, either.

“When you go into bookstores, there are loads of shelves about toddlers, babies, maternity, even some on teenagers but there is nothing about parenting adult children,” says Susan Morris Shaffer, co-author of “Mom, Can I Move Back in With You? A Survival Guide for Parents of Twentysomethings” (Tarcher/Penguin).

Parents who thought the teenage years posed challenges might soon find they were just a warmup for “adultescence,” which can hit anytime between 18 and 30, co-author Linda Perlman Gordon says.

The markers of adulthood for past generations just don’t apply anymore, Gordon says, since it’s unlikely that a 21-year-old will be starting a family, buying a house and become established in a career path right out of the gate.

“You can’t see this age as black or white. They are not kids and, in some ways, they’re not adults; 30 is the new 20,” she says.

Gordon, a clinical social worker, family therapist and trained mediator, is the mother of 21- and 30-year-olds; Shaffer is the deputy director of gender equity programs at the Mid-Atlantic Equity Center and is the mother of 21- and 28-year-olds. Both live in Chevy Chase, Md.

Parents are parents for life, but usually there is a change in style and expectations once children finish schooling and join the work force, Shaffer says. However, she adds, respecting adult children’s independence can be hard when they are still eating food parents pay for, wearing clothes parents pay for and borrowing their parents’ car.

Gordon and Shaffer both stress the most important thing to remember is that neither the kids nor the parents are a failure if they all reunite under one roof as adults. Instead, see it as an opportunity.

“The chance to maintain an open connection with your children can only be beneficial,” Gordon says.