Sleep? He’s too busy dancing naked

By Chris Erskine

May 27, 2004 12 AM PT

WHAT BABIES must think:

OK, I have a question: Doesn’t anyone feel the Earth spinning except me? I’m just a baby and I can feel us hurtling through space, turning on our own axis. It’s why I fall down so much. Ever wonder why I’m always steadying myself on the walls or grabbing the dog’s tail? I’m really dizzy, that’s why. I fall backward so much, my fanny should have its own air bag.

Here’s another thing you should know: Everything I drink seems to make me a little bit drunk. Breast milk. Cranberry juice. Water. You notice how, whenever I enter a room, I do a little dance? I’m high, that’s why. Stoned on Ocean Spray that you made me drink out of a cup shaped like a circus clown. You think a sober person would drool this much?

Yesterday, I discovered gravity. Here’s the deal: Near as I can tell there is some invisible force that, when we climb up on a coffee table or the DVD player, forces us back down to the hardwood floor. Ka-BOOM! Sometimes I cry, but it’s kind of fun, gravity. Near as I can tell, balloons aren’t affected by gravity. Airplanes either. For everything else, there’s gravity. Ka-BOOM!

Here’s something I don’t understand: Why is everybody always trying to get me to go to sleep? I don’t really like to sleep. I have too many things I still want to do with my life. I want to kiss a woman who’s not my Mommy. I want to pull the cat’s tail completely off. I want to see Anaheim. That’s my dream, Disneyland. Not just pass through it either, but really see it, you know? Stroll its streets. Prowl its soul.

Only then will I be able to sleep like a baby.

You know, I’m only 1 but there are lots of things I already understand. Like how to get the tops off of Magic Markers. Or where they hide the dog’s water dish. I’m really good at tearing things up too. Magazines. Important tax documents. Homework. Especially homework. If my big brother and sister leave their homework lying around, forget about it. It’s mine. I tear it up, then eat it. You should see them trying to tape it back together after it’s been in my mouth a while.

The other thing I really like is pudding. First, what I like to do is smear it on my hands. Then I rub it all over my neck and ears. Chocolate pudding is so good that way. Then I put some on my lips and on my nose. Have you ever tasted chocolate pudding? It tastes really good! I’m surprised it’s not a food or something.

Another thing that’s good is what they call Popsicles. The best way to use a Popsicle is to rub it up and down your arms, then drop it down your diaper. Whew! Keeps me fresh all day that way. Plus, if you eat a Popsicle correctly, you’ll get a bath every time, I guarantee it. I love baths. Baths are the best.

The other night, my Daddy gave me a bath. He was tired from work, which is when I get the best baths. He doesn’t care what I do.

I like when my Daddy gives me baths because the whole entire bathroom gets wet and there are big puddles on the floor that you can crawl into later. My mom, she says it’s like a “natural disaster” when I take a bath, whatever that means. She says we should qualify for FEMA money. It’s just water, says my dad.

When I take a bath, every towel we have is either on the floor or on me. After I’m dry, my Daddy lets me go running through the house without any clothes, which always gets big laughs. If you ever want to entertain people and make them laugh, you should just take off all your clothes and dance around a little, naked. Works every time. Flapping your arms helps, too, or wearing just a fireman’s hat. When everyone laughs, you should laugh. That’s what I recommend.

Here’s another great thing about being a baby: In the grocery store, old women always want to touch you. I don’t mind. I like women. Old ones, young ones, I don’t care. In the grocery store, it’s like having a thousand grandmas, all touching you and rubbing your hair. I think lots of grandmas go to stores just to see babies like me, which is pretty cool when you think about it.

Anyway, that’s what it’s like being a baby around here. It’s not exactly easy. From the moment I wake up to the moment I don’t go to bed at night, it’s work. Lots and lots of work.

When I grow up, I think I want to be a dog.

Chris Erskine can be reached at chris.erskine@latimes.com.

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Chris Erskine is a nationally known humor columnist and editor who retired from the Los Angeles Times in 2020. Previously he wrote for the Sports, Travel and Saturday sections and edited with the paper’s features staff. As an editor, he has been a part of two Pulitzer Prize-winning teams at The Times (for his graphics work on the Northridge quake and the North Hollywood bank robbery). He is best known to readers for his weekly humor pieces on life in suburban Los Angeles. His latest book, “Daditude,” released in 2018, is a collection of his favorite Times columns on fatherhood. He has written two other books, “Man of the House” and “Surviving Suburbia,” which reached the Los Angeles Times bestseller list. The Chicago native has also worked for papers in New Orleans and Miami.