Take it easy, pilgrim

Pilgrims celebrated the first Thanksgiving nearly 400 years ago -- right around the time I last received a response to my Internet personal ad. Reminder: I desperately need to post a photo of me wearing a shirt.

Careful research reveals the first Thanksgiving feast in 1621 featured seafood, wild fowl and some really cheap wine from Trader Joe’s. This year, I’m breaking with tradition by cooking up a delicious holiday repast of peanut butter-filled pretzels and bourbon. That is, of course, unless one of my happily married friends invites me over for dinner.

Hint: I’ll leave my phone on.

Yes, it’s one of the calendar’s toughest days for us swingles -- this fourth Thursday in November. Waking up alone, wandering around, wondering why our last girlfriend left in a big ol’ huff after catching us trying to date other women and then lying about it. Thanksgiving’s a bit unforgiving, if you ask me.

Still, I refuse to let my mood darken. (That’s what birthdays are for.) Besides, single guys and gals have lots to be thankful for this November, such as:

1. Hey, at least you’re not fighting.

Nothing’s worse than a Thanksgiving spent arguing with your significant Pilgrim over why the stuffing tastes like the crumbs at the bottom of a corn flakes box. Accusations fly: You cooked it too long. She didn’t cook it long enough. How could you let the dog lick the turkey -- and, importantly, did any of the guests see him do it?

Really. You’re lucky if the dust settles by Hanukkah. Holidays only aggravate bad relationships because you have to pretend you’re actually getting along in front of family members who find your romantic squabbles to be quite the hoot.

2. You’re actually having more fun than most people.

Ever notice how tense everyone gets this time of year? Rushing around to buy such crucial Thanksgiving items as yams, Motrin and muscle relaxant? They miss the spirit of the season.

You, the unattached person, on the other hand, are in no hurry. You can take time to experience the true meaning of the holiday: watching seven hours of football uninterrupted by a high-pitched voice demanding you “put down the remote and talk to my aunt.”

Later, while others are overeating, you’ll go see a movie -- sitting virtually alone in the theater -- enjoying the privilege of viewing an entire film without hearing some guy conduct a complex Nasdaq transaction on his camera phone.

“Buy 300 shares,” he’ll yell -- obliterating a crucial piece of dialogue -- leaving you confused as to what’s going on and forcing you to wait six months for the DVD to come out.

3. January’s coming.

Relax. The holidays won’t last forever. Just hold on till next year. A time filled with fresh opportunities. New relationships. And think about the money you’re saving by not having a girlfriend right now. No trudging off to Nordstrom in a panic on Dec. 24, struggling to find the right bracelet, ring, purse (for advanced shoppers only!), necklace, watch -- whatever -- as the store intercom announces:

“Nordstrom will be closing by the time I’m through with this sentence. For all you thoughtless men who waited until now to buy a gift for the most important woman in your life, it’s too late. Also, please note: The Valentine’s Day sale starts Monday -- but I’m sure you’ll put that off till the last possible minute too. Good luck ever finding a steady girlfriend, you inconsiderate hack!

“Oh, and warm tidings for the holidays, from all of us at Nordstrom.”

Howard Leff can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.