Ethical Guidance in This Season of Gifting ... and Re-Gifting

This week, “Seinfeld” fans eagerly greeted the release on DVD of the first three seasons of their beloved show. Among the episodes not making their digital bow is “The Label Maker” from Season 6, which gave us a name for the concept of giving to another person a gift we had just received: re-gifting. This episode is proof, if we needed it, that the show is not about nothing, as Jerry Seinfeld would have it, but about something quite significant: the ethics of friendship.

As the busiest gift-giving time of the year approaches, and many of us wonder what to do with the unwanted presents we get, it is worth considering the moral question raised by this episode. Is it right to re-gift?

A gift is a symbol of what a relationship means to us. The most meaningful gifts meet the needs or satisfy the desires of the recipient. A gift should be about pleasing the other person, not showing off the taste, wealth or power of the giver. We should give with the other person, not ourselves, in mind.

Still, a friend, colleague or even family member who knows us well may on occasion buy us something that is the last thing we’d buy for ourselves. People in long-term relationships can still be surprised by the choices in clothes, music or gadgets that their beloved makes.

Re-gifting presents an apparent ethical dilemma because we have a duty not to hurt the feelings of the gift giver, but we also rightly feel that it’s wasteful not to use something that might benefit someone else. After all, some people like orange and red sweaters, or the complete recorded works of Wayne Newton, or fruitcake.

The best solution to this dilemma is to fulfill all of the responsibilities before us. Re-gifting avoids waste and repays a debt of gratitude we owe to someone else, but it presents the risk that the original giver will be hurt if she or he discovers what we did.

I thus propose the following guidelines for re-gifting:

* Don’t use the gift.

* Re-gift soon, so that you don’t risk re-gifting to the original giver.

* Ensure that the new recipient doesn’t know the original giver or is unlikely to run into him or her.

If there is a possibility that the original giver could learn about the re-gifting or if he or she expects to see you wearing the gift, consider asking for permission first, after letting him or her know how much you appreciate the thought behind the present. The person who understands that a gift is intended to be pleasing will understand. Only someone with a fragile sense of self will be offended by such a request. If this describes the giver, either exercise extreme caution in re-gifting or wear that ugly sweater once or twice.

As long as the person who bestowed the unwelcome gift doesn’t mind or won’t find out, you can re-gift with a clear conscience, knowing that you have fulfilled your responsibilities as a friend and as a decent human being. Besides, you can bet that at least one of the gifts you’ll soon receive was intended for someone else -- not that there’s anything wrong with that.