Dr. Fixit’s prescription for domestic bliss
Some questions for Dr. Fixit, home repair specialist, marriage guru and psychic to the stars:
Question: Dear Dr. Fixit, recently our shower has been slow to drain. Is there a simple solution to this problem?
Answer: Dr. Fixit believes that there is a simple solution to almost every home repair problem. Do you have another shower you could use? Have you ever thought about selling?
Dr. Fixit recently experienced the same problem when our daughter Rapunzel was home from college for winter break. “Rapunzel, Rapunzel,” we begged, “please do not leave massive globs of your beautiful hair in the shower drain. Thou art clogging the pipes.”
Yet Rapunzel, she of the long golden tresses and gigantic cellphone bills, did not change her ways. More and more, Rapunzel has a bit of an insolent streak. Like a lot of college kids, she seems to live in a parallel universe of bad music and alternate cares. Moody? Don’t even ask.
So on a football Sunday, Dr. Fixit ended up hacksawing through two inches of prehistoric iron pipe and replacing it with plastic ABS, mashing his knuckles and cursing softly under his breath the entire time.
The clog, when he finally found it, was roughly the size of a Pekingese, but heavier in the hips. When Rapunzel comes home for the summer, we’ll probably keep her in a tower, where she can shower only on weekends.
I hope this answers your excellent question.
Q: Help! Our house has a creaky old staircase that’s driving me crazy. Lately, when I come home after a night out with the boys, the third step creaks, my wife wakes up and we get into this big horrible fight.
I’ve asked my wife several times to fix this step, but she refuses. Am I being unreasonable?
A: I think it is time for you to sit down with your wife and calmly discuss your occasional need to go out and behave like a complete idiot. It’s a male instinct, similar to belching or not listening. For your marriage to succeed, it’s important for her to recognize your more manly side. Did she think she was marrying her mother? Wait, don’t answer that. If she still has a problem, go out and hire a good carpenter.
Q: Dear Dr. Fixit, my expensive upright vacuum has lost all suction power. Can this be fixed?
A: In an American home, even the best vacuums easily become clogged with lint, pet hair, old pennies, ATM slips, lost homework, hair scrunchies, assorted lingerie, divorce decrees, failed dreams, unreasonable expectations, broken promises, poems written but never sent and a general indifference toward other people.
Such items easily obstruct a vacuum’s hoses and air passages. The only way to clear them, I’ve found, is with earnest prayer and a forceful, perfectly timed sneeze.
Good luck.
Q: Every time I do a project, it requires four or five trips to the hardware store. Is this normal?
A: Four to five trips is about average. For big projects, visits can run into triple digits. Home Depot will soon be offering shuttle service to some neighborhoods.
Dr. Fixit recommends buying one of everything, then returning the things you don’t use. This can cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, but the time you save will make it well worth it.
Q: Lately, when we go to dinner parties with our fortysomething friends, someone will be talking about movies or books and fail to come up with a name. Then the other over-40 people will all nod and say “Yeah, yeah, yeah ... I know who you’re talking about, I know who you mean,” but no one will be able to come up with the name. Such memory lapses worry me.
Can death be far? How much longer do we have?
A: I’m sorry, what was the question?
Q: Dear Dr. Fixit, I really need your help. I’m trapped in a dull and loveless marriage. The kids are driving me nuts. The dog is pregnant. Yesterday the TV blew up.
A: Our TV blew up?
Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Is there anyone?
A: Is there anyone who?
Q: Is there anyone who knows less about home repair than you?
A: Probably not.
Chris Erskine can be reached at chris.erskine@latimes.com.
