The Show’s More Felix Than Oscar

When Chris Rock said that no straight black man watches the Oscars, I was angry. Why do black men always get to represent hyper-masculinity? I never watch the Oscars, and my job is to write about entertainment. Am I going to have to also lay off the Sauvignon Blanc to buy whitey some respect?

Of course straight men don’t watch the Oscars. It’s like someone smushed together everything we don’t care about: designer clothing, dance numbers, clips of black-and-white movies and tacky gold knickknacks that don’t involve sports. And when was the last time a straight guy thanked someone for something?

If the Oscars actually cared about getting men to watch, they’d do more than hire Chris Rock. They’d put a running score in the corner and have nominees go up to the podium and act against each other in head-to-head, single-elimination competition. And then hit each other with folding chairs. That way Martin Scorsese would finally win an Oscar when the chair painlessly bounced off his giant eyebrows.

But the disturbing part is that straight men don’t like anything. Women do almost all the book buying, TV watching, magazine subscribing, shopping and talking. And this is a gender already time-constrained because its members have to sit down to urinate and concentrate on what’s going on to achieve orgasm.

When I watched a focus group rate my failed sitcom pilot last year, I was psyched that men liked it more than women, knowing the networks are desperate for male viewers. Then the executives told me that men’s opinions don’t matter because they won’t seek shows out. They are only dragged in through protracted viewings with their wives or girlfriends. This is why you guys now watch “The O.C.” That, plus the producers make the girls kiss each other.

Conservatives like to blame gays for ruining the culture. But gays are the culture. And thank God. If not for women and gay men, the culture would turn into the amoral pigfest those same conservatives fear. If men controlled our entertainment choices they would quickly devolve into nothing but various forms of “Grand Theft Auto,” many of which would involve cars driven by monkeys and midgets.

Academy, it’s very sweet of you to try to get us to watch your little awards show this year. Your changes are very inclusive: hiring Chris Rock, having nominees on the stage at the same time to increase the chances for a fight, giving out awards while winners are still seated to eliminate that long walk where we agree with our wives’ and girlfriends’ opinions of the outfits. Some of your boosters even tried printing out that little sheet so we can bet on it. And we’ll bet on anything. Give us a clock and $5 and you’ve solved the entire foreplay problem.

But men will never be able to cry in happiness at the sight of rich, famous people in pretty clothes. The reason I don’t watch the Oscars is that I can’t watch people be that unquestioningly self-congratulatory. It’s like watching “Oprah.”

That scene in movies where everyone stands and claps for the main character is bad writing because no one actually cares about other people that much. But for one night, that’s exactly what happens. And either you’re a good enough person that it gives you hope in humanity, or you’re a guy and don’t watch.

So the Oscars should give up on male viewers entirely. Have Sarah Jessica Parker host. Make the stage out of ice so winners can skate to accept their awards. Get rid of that stupid best director award they keep giving to the ugly guy. Disqualify all movies that come in trilogies. Whatever it takes. For all that women and gay men give us, it’s worth it. We’ll be on the Internet.