Nothing Nuggets Do Can Sink His Spirit

The Clippers announced a Staples Center sellout before Saturday night’s game, knowing they would get a crowd of 19,162, and then gave red T-shirts to 15,000 -- potentially ticking off 4,162 fans on one of the biggest nights in franchise history.

I know what you’re thinking -- the same old Clippers -- but come on, it’s not like they have experience in these sorts of things.

And with that in mind, I give you the minutes from the Clippers’ first playoff game in seemingly forever.

5:56: Elton Brand is shooting free throws, and ESPN’s Jim Gray joins him, most likely to tell Brand how Kobe Bryant would’ve shot them.

6:02: Ralph Lawler has broadcast 2,113 Clipper games and tonight he’ll be doing his 14th playoff game. Lawler woke up the day after the regular season ended with a sore throat, his body on traditional “the season is over” Clipper time. But the old pro will be ready by game time.

6:09: Clipper Coach Mike Dunleavy tells the media, “The first team to lose four games is out.” Four reporters write that down.

6:17: Dunleavy tells the media, “We’re going to throw the kitchen sink at [Denver’s Carmelo Anthony.]” He doesn’t seem to care that it would be a foul.

7:22: A male Clipper cheerleader asks the crowd, “How many of you got red shirts when you came in?” I guess the Clippers are really determined to tick off those 4,162 fans.

7:31: The Clipper cheerleader is on the PA again, asking fans to practice making noise so they can show an ESPN TV audience “what true L.A. NBA fans are all about,” as if people across the country haven’t seen a Laker game before.

7:35: The cheerleader has whipped the crowd into a frenzy, and so the Clippers wheel out a saxophone player to throw a wet blanket over the whole thing. “Francis Scott Key wrote words to the anthem, didn’t he?” Lawler said.

7:41: A fan is brought to center court to hand the basketball to the officials, and an announcement is made that he has been a Clipper season-ticket holder since 1984. I think everyone understands why his name is not put on the scoreboard.

7:45: The game begins. Donald Sterling’s book, “I Did It My Way,” should hit bookstores in time for Christmas. I’d wait to buy it on sale. You know Sterling will.

7:58: They show the crowd on the scoreboard and the cameras focus on a man with his shirt off. It’s clear he’s pregnant. The Clippers are in the playoffs. As you know, nothing is impossible.

8:07: The crowd chants “MVP” as Brand goes to the free-throw line. He misses both. The chant “He shoots just like Shaq” doesn’t catch on.

8:11: The first quarter ends with the Clippers winning by five, and Brand scoring 12 of the team’s 26 points. Anthony is one for five, unable to contend with the kitchen sink the Clippers have thrown at him.

8:15: Steve Soboroff says he’s increasing his donation from $500 to $1,000 per Clipper win to Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA. The Clipper drive to help the hospital has now exceeded $85,000.

8:17: Corey Maggette makes a three-pointer to push the Clippers back ahead of Denver. If he shoots the Clippers to a win, it’ll cost Maggette another $500 and $24,000 in donations to date; he doesn’t seem to mind.

8:35: The leading scorer for the Nuggets right now is Andre Miller, the ex-Clipper, who when he played here was one of the most miserable persons in the building. And that was tough to do because Michael Olowokandi was also here.

8:42: Chris Kaman is fouled, has a chance to shoot free throws and score his first points. Who would’ve thought Kaman might be considered the second-best center in town these days given the competition is Kwame Brown?

8:47: The Clippers take a nine-point halftime lead. The Clipper Spirit goes crazy, and did I mention I was one of the judges who picked the girls before the season began? Poured my heart and soul into it.

9:23: It’s over. Cuttino Mobley hits back-to-back three-pointers, the Clippers go up by 16, and there’s still 3:59 to play in the third. The last time the Clippers won a playoff series was 1976. A series win might be worth a parade -- especially since the Lakers don’t figure to give us one.

9:30: Sam Cassell jumps off the bench yelling at Kaman, who is getting beat underneath, allowing Denver to close within 10 by the end of the quarter. Gray walks by with a microphone looking for a celebrity to interview. Too bad Frankie Muniz is such a shrimp; Gray looks right over his head.

9:46: It’s Clippers by only four. Hold those parade plans.

10:13: It’s tied. The Lakers should be so lucky this late in the game today.

10:18: Clippers by two, Denver ball, chance to tie and Anthony fires up an airball, which goes off Kaman’s hands. His imitation of Kwame Brown.

10:21: Denver gets the ball, 4.5 seconds, Anthony misses again and the Clippers win.

10:22: Obviously, not your same old Clippers.

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WINFIELD GOULDEN played right field for Rutgers before Dwyre was born, parachuted into Normandy on D-Day, got shot, but recovered -- which would later prepare him to become a die-hard Dodger fan -- and now in this his 86th year, a friend wrote to say “It would be a thrill beyond measure if somehow this old ballplayer” could wake up today and find his name in the newspaper.

There’s no question Winfield Goulden’s name should be in the paper, but on Page 1, so I’d urge his friend to e-mail Plaschke and see what he can do.

T.J. Simers can be reached at

t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.