For Him, Golfing and Gambling Is Child’s Play
I have an agreement with the kids at Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA.
They are supposed to get better, while I find folks out there who think they’re pretty good at what they do or who think they know what they are talking about, challenge them and then accept their donation on behalf of the kids when they collapse under pressure from Page 2.
Tom Lasorda had to print checks to make good on his donation, the kids getting the chance to witness history when Lasorda did something without any chance of getting a free meal in return.
Corey Maggette, in an effort to convince Page 2 the Clippers were any good, agreed to donate $500 for every win. Donald Sterling, Steve Soboroff, Marty Adelstein, Bradley Luster and the Deleray family joined him, now making every Clipper win worth $1,810. In the past, that wouldn’t have amounted to much, but going into Monday’s game, they have already raised $65,160 for the hospital.
Deacon Jones was so devastated by a poker tournament loss to Page 2, it’s been more than a year and he still hasn’t recovered sufficiently to write out a check -- the kids learning for themselves what it’s like to be sacked for a loss.
Mike Scioscia, Steve Finley, Jennifer Tilly, the California Speedway, TVG and a number of readers met their pledges, and now the list of donors figures to grow this week with the addition of Fuzzy Zoeller and P.L. Walker.
*
YOU MIGHT remember Zoeller. He’s an old golfer, playing in an old men’s event at the Newport Beach Country Club this week.
Last year they had the old guys hit balls off the top of the 16-story Newport Beach Marriott to the course’s second green 118 yards away -- and at an altitude drop of 162 feet.
Zoeller, using a sand wedge, hit a ball within four feet, two inches of the hole, which goes to show you how lucky the old guy can be at times.
“Are you saying there was no skill involved?” he said, and besides being hard of hearing, it’s always a kick when you run into someone who has never had the experience of working closely with Page 2.
On Tuesday, the media will join the pros with a chance to win $100,000 for charity with a hole in one. I’ve never had a hole in one, but getting a ball inside of an old guy such as Zoeller should be easy.
That’s what I told him, and naturally he took the challenge, offering to donate $500 to the kids if he doesn’t hit it closer than Page 2, while insisting Page 2 do the same if beaten. (Now might be a good time to implement Page 2’s idea, panned by Brad Faxon, to start yelling during the middle of a player’s backswing.)
“I love my chances,” Zoeller croaked, and you would think if he were really a good sport, big-time golf pro and all-around swell guy, he would hit a seven iron -- just like Page 2 intends to do -- to really prove he’s better than Page 2.
“I’m telling you, it’s wild up there,” he said. “When you follow through on your swing, it gets your attention -- your subconscious takes over and you’re telling yourself, ‘I’m not going to fall off.’ ”
For an old guy with his best years behind him, he sure seems to worry a lot. I just hope it doesn’t affect his swing.
*
AS FOR P.L., the first thing he did when he got on the telephone Monday morning was disparage UCLA. Can you imagine someone doing something like that?
I remember a time in my life, and it could have been those dark days when I was rooting for USC, that I took P.L. for being a great guy.
But when I mentioned to him it was time for the annual father/Miss Radio Personality trip to Las Vegas, taking up residence in Mandalay Bay with the intention of getting rich while betting on the first 48 games of the NCAA tournament, he scoffed: “You won’t be getting rich if you’re betting UCLA.”
At this point I should probably mention that P.L., short for “Proven Loser” as I shall demonstrate by the weekend, also goes by the name of Robert Walker and works as the director of the Race & Sports Book for MGM Mirage.
This would lead you to believe he knows something about sports, but then we reviewed his bracket, I started to laugh, and he took the bait. He said he’d go into his own pocket and donate $500 to the kids if he doesn’t pick more winners than Page 2 over the first four days of the tournament.
Taking $500 out of the pocket of a Las Vegas bookmaker would have to be considered a life-time achievement. Certainly worth a “Na-na-nah-na-nah!”
We disagreed on 18 games, and while Page 2 is way out there picking Xavier to beat Gonzaga, I think it’s pretty well understood that I’m a Sports Expert. Just ask the Dodgers.
I also took underdogs such as San Diego State, Wisconsin Milwaukee, Texas A&M; and Seton Hall, and it’s probably just a coincidence, but that’s when P.L. mentioned something about the Sports Expert having to donate $500 to Mattel’s if he wins.
I suppose I should be concerned, but then P.L. told me he has Marquette beating UCLA, Nevada taking Boston College, and knowing he’s a Mariners’ fan who has never won an office pool, all together kids, “Na-na-nah-na-nah!”
*
TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Ralph Brax:
“Asking anyone to choose between Plaschke and Simers for the best writer is like deciding between Phyllis Diller and Salma Hayek for a date to the beach. Come to think of it, that would be quite a foursome.”
Funny, but Diller just doesn’t come to mind when I think of Plaschke.
T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.
