More than one way to be a good mom
NEW YORK — Even the coolest, most confident mother has stolen a glance at the smiling, cooing baby in the next stroller and wondered, “Hmmm, what’s that mom doing that I’m not?”
Janet Penley makes the case in her book “MotherStyles” that each mom has her unique strengths based on her personality type -- as determined by the Meyer’s Briggs Type Indicator -- but that most mothers share the same insecurities and feel the same competitiveness.
Moms need to play up their strengths, which, it is hoped, will lessen the blow when they realize they do indeed have shortcomings, she says.
“The crux of the whole thing is that there are many kinds of good moms and there is no right way to be a mom,” says Penley, who developed the MotherStyles profiles when her children were just 3 and 6. They’re now 22 and 25.
The Meyer’s Briggs Type Indicator is a tool commonly used in career counseling or leadership scouting.
“The job of motherhood has become all-encompassing. It’s just plain reasoning that people aren’t going to be equally good at each part,” she says.
For example, a mom classified as an extrovert likely does her best parenting when she’s full of energy and out in the field, Penley explains, while she’s more apt to be ineffective or curt when she’s tired or hungry, or, worse, both. “She needs opportunities to connect with people. Conversation is important to her, but being isolated at home isn’t her strength.”
The flip side is the introvert, who uses peace and quiet to recharge. Penley classifies herself as this type of mother, recalling a story about when her mother-in-law came for a visit when she still had toddlers at home. Penley says her mother-in-law persuaded her to go out to lunch with friends and go shopping -- without the kids. But Penley came home even more frazzled than when she left.
“That was good advice for her, not me. I should’ve taken time for me. Alone,” she says. That is what she ended up doing: Hiring a baby-sitter on a regular schedule to take the children to the park so Penley could stay in the house and read a book.
“If I skipped taking time for myself, I’d lose it by the end of the day. But doing it, I’d cut my yelling down by 95%,” she says.
“Thinking moms,” defined as those who think with their heads and are most concerned with truth, justice and fairness, and “feeling moms,” who listen to their hearts and worry more about relationships and harmony, also have different approaches and can offer different things to their kids.
“The gift of the feeler is providing the physical and emotional closeness, which feels very nurturing for a young child,” Penley says. “The thinking mom’s gift is giving psychological and physical space to grow their own personalities and become independent.”
In all, Penley has categorized 16 types of moms, combinations of extrovert versus introvert, thinker versus feeler, sensing versus intuitive and judging versus perceiving.
The strengths of each mom are things they do without reading a book that tells them to do so, Penley explains, “things that come as natural as breathing.” Once you identify those traits, you’ll also be able to minimize your deficiencies, she says.
One important arena to make an informed choice based on personality type is volunteering, something just about every mom is asked to do.
“Volunteering is a huge part of mothering. You’re asked to chaperon, do the newsletter, be in the classroom, bake cookies. Knowing what type of mother I was taught me what to say yes and no to. I could say yes to working on a newsletter or one-on-one tutoring or baking cookies,” Penley says.
