If O.J. said it

“O.J. Simpson created an uproar Wednesday with plans for a TV interview and book titled ‘If I Did It’ -- an account the publisher pronounced ‘his confession’ and media executives condemned as revolting and exploitive.... Simpson has agreed to an ‘unrestricted’ interview with book publisher Judith Regan.”

-- CNN.com

Judith Regan’s office, downtown New York. She and O.J. stand at the window.

O.J.: Great view. What’s that big hole?

J.R.: The World Trade Center.

O.J.: What happened?

J.R.: What happened where?

O.J.: Why are they rebuilding?

J.R.: Terrorists hijacked planes loaded with jet fuel and flew them into the towers.

O.J.: That’s how I would have done it.

They laugh suddenly and then stop.

J.R.: See that building over there? That’s where people say I had sex with Bernard Kerik in the weeks following the attacks in an apartment reserved for rescue workers.

O.J.: Did you?

J.R.: I’ll never tell.

O.J.: Cool. So hey, is Europe a country or, like, a place?

J.R.: Let’s get started.

They sit.

J.R.: Here’s how it’s going to work. I’m going to ask you questions, only the answers are going to be on big cards behind me so you can read them.

O.J.: What about the book part? I’m not a great writer.

J.R.: Guess how old I am?

O.J.: What?

J.R.: How old do you think I am?

O.J.: 65?

J.R.: Why you son of a ... (standing, turning) ... look at that butt? Does that look like the butt of a 65-year-old?

O.J.: (looking out window) I’m surprised those buildings falling wasn’t in the news.

J.R.: Just ... shut up. The book. Don’t worry about the book. You’ll never see the book. The book is none of your business. Let me and Rupert worry about that. Now listen to me very carefully. The interview is the important thing. The interview sets up everything -- book sales, everything.

O.J.: Did you know that in Afghanistan it’s OK to kill your wife?

J.R.: Seriously, stop talking.

O.J.: I got a call from another agent yesterday.

Pause

J.R.: O.J. Dear friend. Handsome, broad-shouldered O.J. I want to tell you a story. Does the name Max Perkins mean anything to you?

O.J.: He played in Buffalo with me in ’72 maybe?

J.R.: Max Perkins was Hemingway’s editor at Scribner’s. Very famous publishing house many years ago. Not unlike my imprint at HarperCollins only without the Jose Canseco book or “How to Make Love Like a Porn Star.” Hemingway, Scott Fitzgerald. These names will mean nothing to you, but they are very famous men, famous writers. Like you’re going to be.

O.J.: Did they kill their wives?

J.R.: No. Although if memory serves, Zelda Fitzgerald died in a fire at an insane asylum where Scott had committed her.

O.J.: That’s how I would’ve ...

J.R.: My point is that Max Perkins was more than merely their editor. He was a kind of muse. A mentor. He stood by them and helped them and wrote them long letters back when people did things like that. And he gave them money when they were poor and offered advice on their work, guided them. With the exception of writing you and giving you money and guiding you, that’s who I want to be for you.

Pause

O.J.: Borat’s not a real person, ya know. He’s just some Jewish guy who’s a baron.

J.R.: Let’s talk about the interview on the show. At no time do I want you to say, “I killed her,” or, “I stabbed her,” or, “Ron.” No names.

O.J.: But I ...

J.R.: Don’t! Don’t say it. Not to me. Not to anyone.

O.J.: So ... on TV ... you’ll ask me questions?

J.R.: Poor, giant man. I feel like I should feed you a Liva Snap. Yes. I’ll ask questions. Let’s try a few. O.J., hypothetically speaking, if you ....

O.J.: With an Army Ranger-issue bowie knife, standard 6-inch blade; you can buy them online and have them shipped, untraceably, from Holland. Stealth is important. Wait in the bushes, wear dark clothes, call the restaurant to find out what time they’re leaving. Run, don’t drive. Go for Ron first, thrust center mass, she’ll be in shock and ....

J.R.: Wait!

Pause

J.R.: : O.J.. Please. Less ... detail, perhaps.

O.J.: Yeah, but that’s how I ...

J.R.: The title of the show is “If I Did It.”

O.J.: You worry too much, Judy. You like Alex Trebek?

J.R.: What?

O.J.: Alex Trebek. See, I love Alex Trebek. Cuz he says my favorite words every night?

J.R.: What?

O.J.: Double jeopardy.

They laugh.