Sanjaya, here’s how to spiff up your image
An open letter to Sanjaya Malakar:
It’s impossible to tell, at this point, whether you care what people in America actually think of you, or whether you’re just waiting for the stupid contest to be over so you can just win and go do some more hula dancing in your back yard.
If, however, you are interested in cleaning up your image, it might help to take notes from Apolo Anton Ohno.
Sure, he’s an Olympian and you’re a 17-year-old, but the two of you have many parallels: you’re both on major reality TV shows (you, “American Idol,” he on “Dancing With the Stars”), you’re both unthreateningly baby-faced, and you both have a wonderful all-American melting pot quality. However, there is a big difference between the two of you: Apolo rules, and you don’t.
Here is what you can learn from him:
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The hair: Nothing says “I’m a rebel” and, simultaneously, “I’m a beautiful pony!” like a luxurious head of hair, which you both have. Sanjaya, take some cues from Apolo. He’ll play with it, maybe a bandana, or a ponytail, but he uses his hair the way Joey Fatone uses his coattails: as a fun accessory but not the mane -- get it? -- event. Don’t be like Leeza Gibbons showing off the “Tramp” temporary tattoo on her chest. It’s desperate when you use your hair as a conversation piece -- tone it down.
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The competitive edge: What separates Apolo (as well as Fatone and Laila Ali) from the pack on “Stars” is that Apolo wants to win -- he mentioned pulling away from the pack on the most recent episode. You seem to be in a world of your own, with no consideration of who you are up against. Sure, it might all be baloney -- we all know Apolo won’t exactly cry into his ice skates if he doesn’t win -- but at least act like you’re playing to win, and not just, you know, whatever.
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Be good at many things: This one might be hard. Apolo is a wonderful speed skater and a hell of a dancer. You’re not a very good singer thus far and your hula dancing is pretty weak at best too. Can you give us something else?
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The appeal: Both of you have the kind of fresh-faced youth and twinge of mischievousness that can appeal to people of all ages and genders. And while Apolo certainly seems aware of his appeal -- he and his partner, 18-year-old Julianne Hough, are just so darn cute!!!! together -- he’s a man and a pro. He doesn’t overly wink or shake his butt or exhibit sass to the judges. If you don’t have a good personality, it’s not your fault. Just don’t try and forge one. Otherwise you’re going to look like -- sorry to say it again -- Gibbons.
If all else fails, though, you can take a page from everyone else on Monday night’s episode of “Dancing With the Stars” and just take a piece of clothing off while you perform. We’re sure that will make someone, maybe that crying girl, happy.
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