Lauren and Heidi spoil for a fight

We all know how this ends. There will be no happy ending for Lauren and Heidi on MTV’s “The Hills.”

The two can’t be at the same photo shoot these days. Heidi and fiancé Spencer have been on a media tour in recent weeks, blasting the Laguna Beach native for a recent US Weekly story that blamed the couple, yet again, for allegedly spreading word that Lauren and ex-boy toy Jason had made a sex tape.

And yet the fight that erupted in Monday’s two-part premiere was unsullied by all of the “spoilers” that have been playing in the media for months, and better than anything you’d get on “All My Children.”

The show starts and Lauren is already furious. She confides in a Teen Vogue colleague, the leggy Whitney, that she believes former best friend Heidi was behind the sex-tape story. Heidi, we learn, has not contacted Lauren since Heidi moved out of their apartment.

But Heidi looks truly mystified when Lauren whips out her claws at a nightclub as the two meet for the first time since Season Two’s semi-weepy ending. An olive branch from Heidi -- a letter telling Lauren that she was missed at a party -- sends Lauren into a rage. Did Heidi leak the story to PerezHilton.com? This viewer can’t tell. We’re not sure Heidi is that good an actress.

But the damage, we already know, is done. Lauren to Heidi: “You’re a sad, pathetic person!”

The second half-hour reveals that the girls are both suffering from the break-up -- Lauren, it seems, despite her best efforts, more so than Heidi. Her scenes could be spliced into a Why I Don’t Need Heidi (Even Though All I Do Is Talk About Her) reel.

One quibble: Audrina, Lauren’s new sidekick. She’s quiet. And boring. Her sleepy eyes don’t register sexy so much as vacant, except for those moments when she’s pledging her loyalty to Queen Bee Lauren.

Then again, she is responsible for bringing in the night’s best moment: Justin, her ex, motorcycle-riding wearer of beanies that only partially cover ratty hair. Apparently his nickname is Bobby. . . as in Justin Bobby. Reminds us of the title character in the Will Ferrell comedy “The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.” We think he’s probably just as cool.

Next up: Jason’s back. . .

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