Deal or no deal

In Lakerdom, times aren’t merely good or bad, they’re more like heaven and hell.

Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant are either feuding or posing for pictures with the Larry O’Brien Trophy. Kobe is either scoring 81 or bringing down some calamity on his head.

Now, the team is either getting Kevin Garnett and going back to being the Lakers, or not and staring into the abyss.

Anyone got a match?

This may not have been the worst four weeks the Lakers ever went through, but it’s up there.

There was that four-week period in 2004 after they committed to trading Shaquille O’Neal, when they asked Bryant to exercise his opt-out by the deadline for protecting players from the expansion draft so they could keep Jamal Sampson.

On his own schedule, as usual, Bryant waited until the next day. The Lakers lost Sampson to Charlotte ... which was nothing compared to the terror they lived with for the next four weeks, that they would lose Bryant too.

A last-minute phone call from Jerry Buss turned Bryant around, although you can’t say it launched a happy new era.

Three years later, the Lakers are looking at the possibility of their worst fears finally coming true, having just spent four weeks sitting tight-lipped through Bryant’s ever louder and more widely broadcast rage.

Last week’s news flash that Garnett was available and Minnesota wasn’t unalterably opposed to sending him here was like a shaft of light in the Lakers’ dark cave.

After years of denial by Garnett, who wouldn’t ask out, and the Timberwolves, who kept trying to patch on the fly, teams around the league had given up on that possibility.

When Garnett knocked down the trade that would have sent him to Boston last week, it wasn’t just a surprise but official notification to 28 other general managers to get their offers in.

The Lakers did too, even if everyone knew they were the last team Minnesota wanted to send Garnett to.

Nevertheless, Monday, three days after Jerry Buss called Minnesota owner Glen Taylor, it was in the hands of the GMs, Mitch Kupchak and Kevin McHale, who had a four-team proposal working with Indiana and Boston.

The Lakers would get Garnett.

The Timberwolves would get the package they would have gotten from Boston, starting with Al Jefferson and the Celtics’ No. 5 pick.

Indiana would get Andrew Bynum and Lamar Odom.

Boston would get Jermaine O’Neal.

Unfortunately, that was a lot of moving parts, which didn’t quite fit.

Logically enough, Boston GM Danny Ainge didn’t want to give up as much for O’Neal as he would have for Garnett.

For his part, Minnesota’s McHale didn’t want any less for Garnett in this deal than he would have gotten in the first one.

If you didn’t notice, this deal involved three GMs who were former Celtics, Minnesota’s McHale, Boston’s Ainge and Indiana’s Larry Bird.

The funny thing is, a friend of all three says the problem wasn’t three former Celtics and a former Laker. It was that the three Celtics are so competitive and live to out-do each other.

In any case, those talks are over.

With McHale intent on melting his roster down, seeking young players, high picks and salary cap relief, moving Garnett won’t work as a straight Lakers-Minnesota deal.

Odom is no longer a kid at 27 and has two seasons left on his contract worth $27.4 million. Bynum is a kid and a promising one, but he must not be promising enough to McHale.

The Lakers have other moves, just none that are good enough.

They could trade Bynum and Odom for Indiana’s Jermaine O’Neal, which they don’t want to do and isn’t likely to make them an elite team.

Other players who are available, such as Denver’s Marcus Camby, would help but, similarly, not enough.

The Lakers have no intention of trading Bryant. However, unless they become an elite team fast, he’ll want out next spring when they’ll have little choice and not much left of their nervous systems.

It’s not often this crystal clear but keep tuned to see who your Lakers are about to be.

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mark.heisler@latimes.com